These are ACTUAL announcements from church bulletins:
1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
3. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
4. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
5. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
8. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
9. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
10. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
11. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
12. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
13. Evening Massage—6 p.m.
14. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
15. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
16. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
17. Ushers will eat latecomers.
18. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
19. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
20. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
21. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
22. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
23. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
24. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
25. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
26. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
27. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
28. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
29. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”
30. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
31. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
32. Hymn 43: “Great God, What Do I See Here?”
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: “Hark! an Awful Voice is Sounding”
33. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
34. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
35. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
36. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
37. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
38. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.