This multi-part expository study was preached at Flagstaff Christian Fellowship in 2017 and 2018. Audio and manuscripts are available for each lesson.
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September 10, 2017
Some of you have made the mistake of buying your children toys that had the understated words on the box, “Some assembly required.” Most of us guys don’t bother with reading the assembly instructions. We think, “I’ve got this,” and plunge in. Reading the instruction manual seems like admitting that we’re incompetent! We’d rather figure it out by ourselves.
Marriage comes with the label, “Much assembly required!” It takes a lifetime of work to put it together the right way. Most of us plunged in without carefully reading the instruction manual, confident that we could figure it out. But that approach gets us into trouble. So we need to read and re-read the manufacturer’s instructions often. Most of the problems we get into in marriage can be traced to our neglect of reading and obeying God’s instructions.
Early in Genesis, the book of beginnings, we learn why God designed marriage (Gen. 2:18-25). This description of the original marriage is the basis for almost everything else the Bible says about marriage. This text also gives us many principles which, if applied, enable us to build solid, satisfying marriages that glorify God. These verses teach us that:
God designed marriage to meet our need for companionship and to provide a picture of our relationship with Him.
The name used for God, translated “Lord [Yahweh] God” (Gen. 2:18, 19, 21, 22) emphasizes His covenant relationship with His people. Genesis 1 refers to God as “Elohim,” emphasizing His power as the Creator. Genesis 2 refers to Him as the Lord God, showing that the powerful Creator is also the personal God who cares for His creatures. This caring, personal God knew that the man He created had a need. So He took action to meet that need.
When you read Genesis 1 & 2, God’s words (Gen. 2:18) hit abruptly: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Throughout chapter one, God surveys His work and pronounces it good (Gen. 1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31). This is the first time God says that something in His creation is not good. That should grab our attention!
Think about it: Here is a sinless man, in perfect fellowship with God, in a perfect environment. What more could you want? Isn’t that enough? Not according to God! God’s evaluation was that the man needed a human companion to correspond to him.
Sometimes super-spiritual people say that if you’re lonely, there must be something wrong with your spiritual life. But God acknowledges our need not only for fellowship with Him, but also with a life partner. This is not to say that every person needs to be married. Everyone spends many years of life as a single person. God has called some to remain single (1 Cor. 7:7-9). Nor is it to say that marriage will meet all our needs for companionship. Married people need friends of the same sex. But it is to say that a main reason God designed marriage was to meet the human need for companionship. As Derek Kidner points out (Genesis [IVP], p. 65), “Nothing is yet said of her as a childbearer. She is valued for herself alone.” First, we must affirm:
That means that He knows best how it should operate. His Word gives us the principles we need for satisfying marriages. Since God designed marriage, it takes three to make a good marriage: God, the man, and the woman. He didn’t create another man for Adam, but rather, a woman. “Gay marriage” is not marriage at all, but a perversion of it. Also, for a Christian to marry an unbeliever is not only to disobey God; it is to enter marriage lacking a crucial ingredient. Marriage has been described as a triangle with God at the top: the closer each partner moves to God, the closer they move toward each other. The further each moves from God, the further they move from each other. As soon as Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they experienced alienation from each other and Adam began blaming Eve for his problems (Gen. 3:7, 12). Broken marriages always involve at least one partner moving away from God. So the starting place for having a marriage according to God’s design is genuine conversion and a daily walk with God.
God says that He will make Adam “a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). The Hebrew word is not demeaning. It is often used of God’s help for those in distress and for military assistance. It points to the fact that the husband needs and even depends on his wife’s support and help (Prov. 31:11). But we also need to remember Paul’s words (1 Cor. 11:9) that “man was not created for woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” That verse alone destroys the feminist view that there are no distinctions based on gender. The fact that God created the woman as a helper points to her subordinate role to her husband, even before the fall.
But at the same time, there is no basis for the view that men are superior to women. God made the woman to be a helper “suitable for” (“corresponding to”) the man. The woman is the missing part of the man. Just as a jigsaw puzzle is incomplete if half the pieces are missing, so a man is incomplete without his wife. God designed it so that the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man (see 1 Cor. 11:11). Both are equal persons and yet have distinct roles to fulfill.
God made Adam out of the dust (Gen. 2:7). Why did He make Eve from Adam’s rib rather than from the dust (Gen. 2:21-22)? I think that God did it to show Adam that his wife was a part of him, equal with him, and not a lower creation. A man is to cherish his wife as his own flesh (Eph. 5:28-29). As has often been said, she was not taken from Adam’s head to rule over him, nor from his feet, that he should put her down, but she was taken from his side so that he would protect her and keep her close to his heart.
Why didn’t God create Adam and Eve simultaneously? Before God created Eve he put Adam through the task of naming the animals (Gen. 2:19-20). Why in this context is there this strange exercise of naming the animals? God had a lesson to teach Adam. By naming all the animals, Adam discovered that for every animal there were both male and female. After a few dozen cases—male and female aardvarks, all the way to male and female zebras—Adam finished his job and wondered, “Where’s mine?” The forlorn note reads (Gen. 2:20), “but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.”
God first made Adam feel the need for a wife. A dog may be man’s best friend, but it could not satisfy Adam’s need for companionship. Only a woman could. God sometimes makes us endure loneliness so that when the need is met, we appreciate it more. I felt the need to get married at 20. The Lord made me wait until just before my 27th birthday. By then, after several failed romances, I really felt the need. But I also deeply appreciate Marla, because I remember how lonely I felt all those years. God prepares us to receive His gifts and then provides for our needs. You need to thank God for the mate He has given you and express your appreciation to your mate. God designed marriage, including your marriage. He joined you and your mate together (Matt. 19:6).
This account of the first marriage also plainly teaches that God designed marriage to include sex. Many Christians have unbiblical notions about sex. Some think that sex was the original sin. I read of one pastor and his wife who announced to their congregation that they would be adopting their first son. One dear old lady told the pastor, “That’s how every pastor and his wife should have children.” She thought that abstinence was more spiritual!
If you think carefully about how the text describes the creation of Eve, it might surprise you. In the first place, it says that God fashioned a woman from the man’s rib. “Fashioned” is literally, “built.” The verb pictures God as a sculptor, carefully and deliberately shaping the woman into a creature who would meet Adam’s need. Since she was built by God, you could safely say that she was well-built! Adam definitely liked what he saw! Verse 22 implies that Adam didn’t wake up and find Eve lying beside him. Rather, God brought her to him. Picture Adam waking up and wondering what the funny feeling in his side was. He’s counting his ribs when he hears God say, “Adam, you forgot to name one creature.” Adam looks up to see Eve, not in a wedding dress, but naked! Wow!
We know Eve was a knockout because of Adam’s response (Gen. 2:23). These are the first recorded words of the first man. They were not quite as tame as the various translations indicate. A more literal rendering of the original Hebrew is: “Yahoo!” “This is now,” is literally, “Here, now!” or “This one! At last!” Keil and Delitzsch, two 19th century German scholars, translate it, “This time!” and say that it is “expressive of joyous astonishment” (Commentary on the Old Testament [Eerdmans], 1:90). Jamieson, Fausset, Brown, another Victorian era commentary, say it is emphatic (A Commentary Critical, Experimental, and Practical [Eerdmans], 1:46): “Now at last!” Or, “This is the very thing that hits the mark; this reaches what was desired.” Remember, Adam had been looking through all the animals for one corresponding to him and had found nothing. When God brought Eve to him, he shouted, “Eureka! At last, this is the one!”
Next, Adam promptly finished his work of naming the creatures. He recognized that Eve was a part of him and named her accordingly (Gen. 2:23): “She shall be called Woman [Heb., Ishshah] because she was taken out of Man [Heb., Ish].” God brought Eve to Adam as His exquisitely crafted gift, perfect for Adam’s deepest need.
These verses teach us something important about God: He wants us to enjoy our marriages, including sex within marriage. He designed it and gave it to Adam and Eve. Satan tries to malign the goodness of God by making us think that God is trying to take our fun away by restricting sex to marriage. But God knows that it creates major problems when we violate His design for His gift. We need to regard marriage and sex in marriage as God’s good gift, designed for our pleasure, to meet our deepest needs for human companionship. In the context of marriage, we can thankfully enjoy what God has given.
In verse 24 Moses is speaking, not Adam (who didn’t have a father and mother to leave): “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” This is Moses’ commentary on these events. “For this reason” means, “Because of the way God designed marriage from the start, because the woman is bone of man’s bone and flesh of his flesh, these things hold true.” He shows that to fulfill our need for companionship, marriage must be a primary, permanent, exclusive, and intimate relationship.
God did not create a father and mother for Adam, nor a child, nor another man, but a wife. A man must leave his father and mother in order to cleave to his wife to establish a one flesh relationship. This means that the marriage relationship is primary, not the parent-child relationship. The parent child relationship must be altered before the marriage relationship can be established. The cord must be cut. This doesn’t mean abandoning parents or cutting off contact with them. But it does mean that a person needs enough emotional maturity to break away from dependence upon his parents to enter marriage. And parents need to raise their children with the aim of releasing them.
It also means that if a couple builds their marriage around their children, or as more frequently happens, the husband builds his life around his job while the wife builds her life around the children, they are heading for big problems when it’s time for the nest to empty. It doesn’t help the children, either. The best way to be a good parent to your children is to be a good husband to their mother or a good wife to their father.
This follows from it being the primary relationship. Your children are in your home a few years; your partner is with you for life. “Be joined to” means to cling or hold to, as bone to skin. It means to be glued to something—so when you get married, you’re stuck! After Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24, He added (Matt. 19:6), “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
This means that the marriage relationship must be built primarily on covenant commitment, not on feelings of romantic love. Romantic love is important, but the foundation of marriage is a commitment of the will. Commitment is what holds a couple together through the difficulties that invariably come. A Christian couple should never use the threat of divorce as leverage in a conflict. Your wife is your companion by covenant (Mal. 2:14; Prov. 2:17). Divorce mars the picture of Christ’s eternal covenant love for His church.
The text says, “To his wife,” not “wives.” Monogamy is God’s design: One man, one woman, for life. Although God tolerated polygamy in Old Testament times, it was not His original intention. Whenever you see polygamy in the Bible, you see problems. God easily could have created many wives for Adam, but He did not. One man and one woman for life is God’s design.
This means that when you get married, you give up close friendships with women other than your wife (or with men other than your husband). You give up your freedom to go out with the guys whenever you choose. You have a new relationship with your wife; she is now your first priority in terms of human relationships. If you can’t handle that, you aren’t mature enough for marriage.
Gen. 2:24: “And they shall become one flesh.” One flesh emphasizes the sexual union (1 Cor. 6:16). But the sexual union is always more than just physical. It is built on relational and emotional oneness. Most sexual problems in marriage stem from a failure of relational intimacy. Sexual harmony must be built on the foundation of a primary, permanent, exclusive relationship that is growing in trust, communication, and oneness. God made us that way.
If you remove sex from the context of the covenant companionship of marriage, you will experience a superficial sense of closeness. Paul says that even when a man has sex with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her (1 Cor. 6:16). But sex outside of the lifelong commitment of marriage will never bring the satisfaction God designed it to provide.
Sin always hinders intimacy in marriage. As soon as Adam and Eve sinned, they recognized their nakedness and began to hide themselves, not only from God, but also from one another. While as fallen sinners we can never experience what Adam and Eve knew with one another before the fall, to the extent that we deal with our sin before God and one another and grow in holiness, we will grow in personal intimacy. It takes constant work! Good marriages aren’t the result of luck in finding the right partner. They’re the result of couples who work daily at walking openly and humbly before God and with each other.
But God didn’t design marriage just so that we could be happy and have our needs met. He designed marriage to be a testimony for Him. Godly marriages bear witness of what it means to know God through Jesus Christ.
The Bible says that God created marriage for a purpose bigger than itself: Marriage is a picture of the believer’s relationship with God. After talking about marriage and quoting Genesis 2:24, Paul writes (Eph. 5:32), “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” Marriage is an earthly picture of the spiritual relationship that exists between Christ, the bridegroom, and the church, His bride. The consummation of a marriage is referred to in the Bible as a man knowing his wife; even so, we can know Christ our bridegroom (Phil. 3:8, 10). A husband and wife are one flesh; we are one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17). Just as the church is to be subject to Christ as the head, so the wife is to be subject to her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). Just as Christ loves the church, so a husband is to love his wife (Eph. 5:25). Just as the marital union results in children, so the union of Christ and His church is to result in many spiritual offspring, to God’s glory (Heb. 2:10, 13).
Someone has described marriage as God’s doing with one man and one woman that which He purposes to do within the world as a whole. That’s why it’s so important for you to work at developing a Christ-honoring relationship with your mate. You’re working on a portrait of Christ and the church, and the world is watching. God’s glory is at stake!
The essence of Christianity is not religious rituals or rules. It is a personal relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ. When Adam and Eve sinned, not only they, but also all their offspring (including us) were alienated from the holy God. They tried to cover their nakedness with fig leaves, but God made garments of animal skin for them (Gen. 3:21). That was a picture of Jesus, the Lamb of God, whose shed blood is necessary to cover our sins (John 1:29). To enter into a personal relationship with God, you must give up the “fig leaves” of your good works and put your trust in Jesus, God’s perfect sacrifice, who died in your place.
Regarding marriage, if you’re single, and content to remain single, then God’s word to you is: use your single state to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord and His work (1 Cor. 7:32-35). If you’re single, but desire to be married, God’s word to you is: grow in godliness and purity and pray for a mate who is committed to do the same (2 Cor. 6:14-7:1). Your lifelong marriage relationship must be centered on God, so that it will reflect to the world a picture of Christ and the church.
If you’re married, God’s Word to you is: grow deeper in godly covenant companionship with your mate (Prov. 2:17; Mal. 2:14). Grow in self-sacrificing love (Eph. 5:2, 25) so that your marriage reflects Christ and the church to this selfish, pleasure-seeking, lost world. It’s a lifelong process. But if this doesn’t describe the direction of your marriage, then a flashing warning light on your marital dashboard is telling you that something is seriously wrong: You’re not in line with God’s designed purpose for marriage. For His glory and for witness to this lost world, take immediate action to get it fixed!
Copyright 2017, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
September 17, 2017
When you hear that I’m talking about wives submitting to their husbands, I suspect that many women and probably some men will think, “Seriously? How can he even think of giving such a message? Is he living in the Dark Ages?”
But if we believe that the Bible is God’s inspired, authoritative Word, then we need to step back from our godless culture and seek to understand what the Scripture says about this subject and why it says it. What it says is fairly straightforward:
As the church is subject to Christ, so wives are to be subject to their husbands in everything.
That’s almost verbatim from verse 24. But because of our modern culture, the command grates on many who profess faith in Christ. Many evangelical “egalitarians” try to come up with explanations that dodge the clear meaning of the text. But a few comments may help us approach it biblically.
First, as with all of God’s commandments, the command in our text is for our good from an all-wise, loving God (Deut. 6:24). He designed marriage and so He can tell us how we must live in it if we want His blessing. God is not a cosmic male chauvinist, who is punishing women and rewarding men by commanding these respective roles in marriage! Rather, they reflect His wise and loving care for us as we obey. Although most of us dislike the word “submit,” all Christians must submit to proper authority: government (Rom. 13:1); employers (Titus 2:9); church leaders (Heb. 13:17); and, family (Eph. 5:22; 6:1). To live in rebellion to authority is to live in defiance of God Himself, who ordains all authority.
Second, note that the church is in no way degraded by submitting to Jesus Christ. To the contrary, it is to the church’s glory to submit to Christ. Even so, it is not degrading for a wife to submit to her husband. Rather, it results in (Eph. 5:27), “her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” Submission results in her ultimate good.
Third, a wife’s submission to her husband is not a cross that she glumly must bear. It is rather the path of joy. The context here is the joy and thankfulness of being filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18-20). Thus, just as submission to God is the way to true and lasting joy, so a wife’s submission to her husband as to the Lord is the way to true and lasting joy.
Fourth, Christian marriage is to be a countercultural witness to a selfish world where everyone is fighting for his or her rights. The world should look at Christian marriages and instantly see the difference. They should see a Christian husband tenderly and selflessly loving his wife as Christ loved the church. They should see a Christian wife joyfully submitting to and respecting her husband, always seeking his good. The world should see Christian children obeying their parents and the parents lovingly and patiently training their children in the ways of the Lord. The difference between this picture and the garbage on TV should cause the world to marvel.
In both the Old and New Testaments, the Bible uses the marriage relationship to picture the relationship between God and His people. Paul shows here that Christian marriage is an earthly picture of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32): “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” God created man as male and female to reflect His image (Gen. 1:27). In the Trinity, all three Persons are equally God; but to carry out the divine plan, the Son submits to the Father and the Spirit submits to the Father and the Son. There is perfect love and harmony among the members of the Trinity. There is no rivalry or competition. Even so in marriage, the husband and wife are equal as persons before God, sharing in the grace of salvation (Gal. 3:28; 1 Pet. 3:7). But there is an order of authority and submission to reflect the divine image.
If a husband puts his wife down or is abusive toward her, he is proclaiming the heresy that Christ puts down and abuses His bride. If he is a self-centered dictator over his wife, he tells the world that the gentle, loving Christ is a cruel, self-centered tyrant. When a man abdicates his headship and lets his wife lead, he preaches that Christ does not lovingly shepherd His church and that the church is free to live out from under submission to Christ, again heretical lies. If a husband is unfaithful to his wife or neglects her by being married to his career or hobbies, he preaches that Christ is unfaithful or indifferent to His church, another falsehood. So as married Christians, our witness to a watching world is very much entwined with how we relate as husbands and wives.
To explain and apply our text, consider four main statements:
Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” The verb is in italics because it is not in the Greek text, but is carried over from verse 21. In the context, being subject to one another in the fear of Christ is a result of being filled with or controlled by the Holy Spirit. “As to the Lord” does not mean that a wife must submit to her husband in exactly the same way that she submits to the Lord. The Lord is perfect, whereas every husband is far from perfect (all the wives say, Amen!). Rather, Paul means that submission to your husband is a part of obedience to the Lord. If you are fighting against the idea of being subject to your husband, your attitude reflects that you are really fighting against the Lord, who ordained this order in marriage. So you must begin by yielding to the Lord and His inspired Word.
Verse 23 explains (“for”) verse 22: “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.” Note that Paul does not say that the husband ought to be the head of his wife, but rather, “the husband is the head of his wife.” It’s a stated fact, not a command. Some husbands are weak, ineffective, and just plain lousy heads of their wives, but they are still in that position of authority. Douglas Wilson (Reforming Marriage [Canon Press], p. 24, italics his) writes,
Meditating on this is a very valuable thing for husbands to do. Because the husband is the head of the wife, he finds himself in a position of inescapable leadership. He cannot successfully refuse to lead. If he attempts to abdicate in some way, he may, through his rebellion, lead poorly. But no matter what he does, or where he goes, he does so as the head of his wife. This is how God designed marriage.
The fact of the husband’s headship, which is analogous to Christ’s headship over the church, has at least two implications:
While there is a sense in which all believers submit to one another (Eph. 5:21), there is another sense in which wives submit to their husbands, but husbands do not submit to their wives. It is significant that whenever the New Testament addresses the subject of Christian marriage, it always commands the wife to be subject to her husband, using the same verb as here. But it never commands the husband to be subject to his wife (Col. 3:18; Titus 2:4; 1 Pet. 3:1). The verb means to put oneself in rank under another.
Also, all of the New Testament commands for wives to submit to their husbands are addressed to the wives, not to the husbands. The Bible never commands a husband to command his wife to submit. Rather, the headship of the husband is a fact and the wife is to respond to the Lord, who designed marriage in this way, by willingly submitting to her husband.
This is not a culturally-determined role that we are free to discard, since it doesn’t fit our culture. God could have created Adam and Eve at the same instant by speaking the word, but He did not. He created Eve out of Adam. From that fact, Paul concludes (1 Cor. 11:9), “for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” She was to be a helper suitable for him, to assist him in his God-given tasks. So the roles in marriage are not culturally determined, but rather ordained by God at creation. Specific duties in a household are flexible and can be worked out in a marriage for the mutual good of the couple. But the role of the husband as head and the wife as subject to him are fixed.
Headship here means “authority” (Eph. 1:22). Referring to an order of authority, Paul writes (1 Cor. 11:3), “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” Biblical authority is never given for the advantage of the one in authority or so that he can dominate those under authority. Rather, God delegates authority for the blessing and protection of those under authority, so that they will become all that God wants them to be. Also, the one in authority is accountable to God for those under his authority. This does not mean that a husband must make every decision, but he is responsible for every decision made. If he is negligent with that responsibility or if he abuses it for his own advantage, he will answer to God!
After explaining the analogy, “as Christ also is the head of the church,” Paul adds (Eph. 5:23), “He Himself being the Savior of the body.” Commentators puzzle over why he adds this here, but it seems to me that he is both assuring the wives and exhorting the husbands. Christ’s headship over the church meant that He gave Himself on the cross to save His people from their sins. While Christ’s role as Savior is unique, there is an analogy: husbands must sacrificially give themselves in love for their wives (Eph. 5:25). They must use their headship to protect and bless their wives, never to abuse them. Wives can be assured that they will not be harmed, but rather cared for and loved, when they submit to such godly husbands. Husbands who abdicate their God-given authority in the home leave their wives spiritually unprotected.
Thus to submit biblically to your husband, you must be in submission to the Lord. And, you must recognize that your husband is in fact your head, or authority.
First I will offer a definition and then I will describe seven characteristics of biblical submission.
That definition applies to all of the spheres of authority: to God Himself; human government; church government; wives to husbands; children to parents; and workers to employers. It includes our attitude, because it is not to be forced, but willing and wholehearted. Applied to wives, it includes the following:
When Paul sums up his counsel (Eph. 5:33), he repeats (from verse 25) that the husband is to love his wife. But rather than saying that the wife must submit to her husband, he says that she must respect (lit. fear) him. A large part of submission involves respect. While books have been written on this (e.g., Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect, [Integrity Publishers]), at the very least it means that a wife not attack her husband or put him down. Rather, she should get on her husband’s team and cheer him on. If he makes a mistake, she can gently correct, but she should assure him of her loyalty and love.
When I counsel couples whose marriages are in trouble, invariably they are competing with one another. Rather than seeking to please her husband, the wife is trying to win. She wants to make him pay for what he has done to hurt her. But submission means that you want him to be happy. You want to please him. If he likes a particular meal, you fix it often. If he likes the house to be neat, you try to keep it that way. You don’t punish him by making him unhappy. You please him in every way possible.
I’ve seen wives who put on a veneer of submission to their husband’s face, but then they go behind his back and use subversive tactics to get what they want. Or, they whine or nag him until to get some peace, he capitulates. That is not submission!
Many husbands feel threatened and incompetent when it comes to leading their wives. If their feeble attempts to lead meet with criticism or apathy, they won’t try again. If your husband takes a stab at giving leadership in your marriage, even if it’s inept, encourage him! If he makes a suggestion for a romantic evening together, don’t criticize his idea! If he dares to share something on his heart with you or a fear that is nagging him, listen sensitively and thank him for it. Be responsive, not resistant!
As I said, this would be heretical, because it would imply the inferiority of the Son to the Father, because the Son submits to the Father (even in eternity, 1 Cor. 15:28). A godly husband is to be a good manager of his household (1 Tim. 3:4, 12). A good manager utilizes and praises the strengths of those he manages. If a wife is better at something than the husband is, a wise husband will recognize that gift and let her use it for their common good.
A wife can be submissive and still actively try to influence her husband for God (as 1 Peter 3:1-6 implies). The wife whose husband is disobedient to the Lord is not told to be passive and not influence him. Rather, she is told how to influence him by her quiet and gentle spirit. All Scripture, including the command to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), applies to wives as well as husbands. A submissive wife needs lovingly to admonish her husband if he is in sin (Rom. 15:14; Gal. 6:1). She needs truthfully to communicate her dissatisfaction with her husband’s insensitivity or aloofness. She may need to express her opinions vigorously, so that her husband knows exactly what she thinks. Without honest communication, a marriage cannot grow in intimacy.
Submission means that after a thorough, honest sharing of opinions and feelings, if there is still disagreement, the wife must go along with the husband’s decision, as long as it is not sinful. But, please note: he will answer to God for that decision, and so he should only override his wife’s objections after much prayer and with fear and trembling! In our now 43 years of marriage, Marla and I cannot come up with a single example of where I have had to overrule her. We’ve always come to mutual agreement as we’ve talked and prayed through decisions.
There are many gifted women in the Bible and in church history who have been greatly used of God. Priscilla is often mentioned before her husband, Aquila. She was probably the prominent one in helping Apollos straighten out his theology (Acts 18:24-26). Timothy’s grandmother and mother, played key roles in training him in the Scriptures (2 Tim. 1:5, 3:15). Women have a huge ministry in influencing their children to follow the Lord (Titus 2:4). Paul refers to the mother of Rufus as “his mother and mine” (Rom. 16:13). Apparently she had ministered to Paul as a mother.
So Paul is saying that as the church is subject to Christ, so wives should be to their husbands. But, he adds one more thing:
Paul adds two little words at the end of verse 24, “in everything.” Why did he add those words? What does he mean?
Paul knew that we’re all prone to try to dodge the difficult commands of the Bible. Many wives will say, “I would submit to my husband if he would just love me as you’ve described. But how can I submit when he is so selfish and insensitive?” In marriage counseling, this is always the biggest hurdle for couples to overcome. When they stop blaming the faults of their mate and start focusing on their own responsibilities, there is hope!
Submission and respect begin in your thought life: Do you run down your husband and complain about his shortcomings or do you thankfully focus on his strengths? Are your words encouraging and affirming? Are your deeds supportive and responsive?
If your husband asks you to do something that Scripture forbids, you must respectfully decline. If he asks you to view pornography, you must say no. If he asks you to lie for him or cheat on your taxes or stop going to church, you would sin against God to go along with your husband’s request. You should resist his sinful wishes respectfully, but you must resist.
If your husband is dumping his responsibilities on you or using you as his slave to cater to his laziness, you need to talk to him. He needs to be confronted with his faults in a gracious, but firm manner. To allow him to go on in his sin is not to love him as Christ commands you to do (Eph. 5:2).
If a husband is getting drunk, using illegal drugs, or is abusing his wife or children, he is violating both God’s law and the law of the state. Submission does not mean passively tolerating such sin. A wife should call the police and the husband should go to jail. If he professes to be a Christian, she should call the church leaders.
A godly wife may need to endure some sinful verbal abuse, such as put-downs, name-calling, or cursing, if her husband is not a Christian (this is the clear implication of 1 Pet. 3:1-6). She should talk with him and explain that she would like to be close to him, but his abusive language is damaging their marriage. But if he is threatening her with physical abuse or death, she needs to move with any children to a place of safety and get some godly counsel.
I realize that this is not an easy subject to apply and obey, but I would encourage each of you to grapple with it especially in areas where you may be resisting the Lord. If you’re having trouble in your marriage, don’t blame your husband or wait for him to start loving you as he should. Instead, do something radical: Submit to your husband in every area, even as the church is to submit to Christ. If you’re fighting this portion of Scripture, you’re not submitting. And if you’re not submitting, the world won’t see Christ in your marriage.
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
September 24, 2017
Do you love your wife? Every Christian husband knows the correct answer to that question. But, do you really love her? The answer depends partly on how you define love. Carole King sang, “I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down; I feel my heart start to trembling, whenever you’re around.” Those of us who have been married for a few decades might say, “I vaguely remember feeling like that!” But few marriages can be described like that after many years.
But let’s shift the notion of love from feeling “the earth move under our feet” when we first met our wives to Paul’s command for a husband’s love (Eph. 5:25): “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” How does your love for your wife compare to Christ’s love for the church, which caused Him to give Himself on the cross for her? It’s safe to say that no matter how long you’ve been married and no matter how happy your marriage may be, there is always the need to grow in Christlike love for your wife.
While my comments today focus on husbands (because our text does), I should point out that Jesus commanded us all to love one another just as He loved us (John 13:34). In Ephesians 5:2, Paul commands us to walk in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave Himself up for us. So this message applies to every Christian, single or married, male or female. We all must continually be growing in Christlike love for others. But Paul specifically applies the need for Christlike love to Christian husbands:
Sacrificial, purposeful Christlike love should characterize every husband’s relationship with his wife.
As verse 32 states, Christian marriage is an earthly picture of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. The world should look at a Christian marriage and see a distinctive difference in the way that husbands and wives relate to one another. Satan attacks Christian marriages because the testimony of Christ and His sacrificial death on the cross is at stake. When Christian marriages break up, it sends a false message to the world, that Christ does not love His bride with enduring love. So this text is not here just to tell you how to have a happy marriage, although it will help you do that. It is here for a much greater purpose: to help us glorify our Savior through marriages that reflect Christ’s sacrificial love for His church.
If you ask Christian husbands, “What is your main responsibility toward your wife?” you will often hear, “To be the head of my home!” And, following Paul’s instructions to wives (Eph. 5:22-24), where he states that the husband is the head of the wife, you’d expect him to say next, “Husbands, exercise headship over your wives, just as Christ is the head of the church.” While that is a serious responsibility, that is not what Paul says when he addresses husbands. Rather, he says (literally), “Husbands, be continually loving your wives ….” While wives are to love their husbands, the husband, not the wife, is primarily responsible to set an atmosphere of love in the home.
Many American husbands think that their main responsibility is to provide an increasingly affluent lifestyle for their wives and children. They would say that the long hours that they work show their love for their families. But the truth is, many men find it easier to give their wives and children things than to spend time with them and develop close, loving relationships.
Granted, Paul states that if a man does not provide financially for his family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8). Those are strong words, and we should not disregard them! But, he was talking about providing for basic needs, not all of the stuff that the world says we need to be happy. But in our text, the main command for husbands is not, “Provide for her,” or, “Exercise your headship,” but rather, “Love her!”
There are two reasons that although difficult, love is possible:
God never commands us to do something unless He gives us the power to accomplish it. This command follows the command to be filled with the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18). Without the Holy Spirit replacing our self-centeredness with His fruit, which begins with love (Gal. 5:22-23), we could never begin to love our wives as Christ loved the church. While we will never do it perfectly in this life, when we walk in the Spirit, we will grow in love.
The fact that God commands us to love our wives also means that the excuse, “I used to love her, but I don’t love her anymore,” won’t cut it. The Lord’s reply to that is, “Get to work at obeying My commandment and the feelings will rekindle!” Falling in love is somewhat easy and effortless. But staying in love and growing in love require deliberate focus and effort. If your marriage has degenerated into bitterness, blaming, and anger, you’ll have to work much harder at obeying this command. But the fact that God commands it means that it is possible. It’s a matter of obedience.
Just as the command for wives to be subject to their husbands is not culturally determined, but required of all wives in every culture, so the command to husbands to love their wives is given to all Christian husbands. Many of the men in the Ephesian church had been saved out of raw paganism. Many of them had frequented the Temple of Diana, goddess of the Ephesians, where both male and female prostitution were a part of the “worship” ritual (hence, Paul’s instructions in Eph. 5:3-12.) Furthermore, many of these men were in marriages that had been arranged by their parents.
The Greek writer, Demosthenes, described the common mentality of pagan men in those days: “We keep mistresses for pleasure, concubines for the day-to-day needs of the body, but we have wives in order to produce children legitimately and to have a trustworthy guardian of our homes” (quoted by William Barclay, Flesh and Spirit [Baker], p. 24; Barclay documents the widespread immorality of pagan Greece and Rome on pp. 24-27).
Against that pagan backdrop, the Christian perspective regarding the sanctity of marriage and the responsibility of the husband to be devoted exclusively to his wife in lifelong, Christlike love was radical! And, it’s radical in our corrupt culture. But my point is, even in a marriage where the husband has been unfaithful to his wife (or she to him), where romantic love has gone cold, it is possible through obedience to God’s Word to turn that marriage relationship around so that it not only honors God, but also is fulfilling to the couple.
But, to apply Paul’s command, we must be clear about what he means by “love.” Is it feeling “the earth move under your feet” whenever she’s around?
It’s sacrificial and purposeful. I developed that definition from this text, as well as from other texts that describe Christ’s love for us. Note the basis for each part of the definition from our text:
“Love is self-sacrificing,” just as “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).
“Love is caring,” just as a man nourishes and cherishes his own flesh, as Christ does the church (Eph. 5:29).
“Love is a commitment,” as implied by the command to love, by Christ’s covenant love for us, and by the analogy of the body.
“Love shows itself,” that is, it is not just words, but also deeds, as seen by Christ’s going to the cross for us.
“Love seeks the highest good of the one loved,” just as Christ died for us so that He might sanctify and cleanse us, to present us to Himself in all our glory, holy and blameless (Eph. 5:26-27).
So the definition fits this text and I encourage every man to memorize it (or create a better one of your own) so that you can think about applying it daily toward your wife. It is very important to rid our minds of the Hollywood image that love is primarily sexual attraction that hits you out of nowhere like the flu and just as mysteriously evaporates apart from your power to hang onto it. Certainly, God’s design is that marital love involves mutual sexual attraction. Without it, I would not advise a couple to marry. But, to sustain and deepen love over a lifetime, we must understand what Christlike love is like.
So, I want to explore the text in more depth by presenting ten contrasts to explain practically what biblical love looks like. (We can only cover two of them in this message.)
“Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). He is our standard. He didn’t sit on His throne in heaven and bark commands to us on earth. At a personal cost that we can never fully fathom, He laid aside His rights as God, took on human flesh and became obedient to death on the cross, where He bore God’s wrath for us! As Charles Wesley wrote, “Amazing love, how can it be, that Thou my God shouldst die for me!”
Maybe you’re thinking, “I’d die for my wife if I had to. I’d fight to the death to protect her.” That’s great, and I hope you would! But here’s the real issue: Are you crucifying self every day on behalf of your wife? Is your focus on using her to meet your needs or on setting aside your selfish desires to meet her needs?
In his exposition of this text, Martyn Lloyd-Jones says (Life in the Spirit [Baker], p. 211),
… the real cause of failure, ultimately, in marriage is always self, and the various manifestations of self. Of course that is the cause of trouble everywhere and in every realm. Self and selfishness are the greatest disrupting forces in the world.
Of course, the wife also must practice self-sacrificing love toward her husband, since all Christians must love one another. But, the apostle’s command here to husbands to love our wives sacrificially, as Christ loved the church, means that the main responsibility for setting a loving atmosphere in the home is on us. But many husbands do not daily practice laying aside their rights, their comfort, their pleasures, their pursuits, or their time, for the sake of their wives. If you’re using your wife simply to meet your needs, if you don’t regard her needs above your own, or if you’re demanding your own way in the home, you aren’t loving her sacrificially.
Or, to get more practical, if when you come home from work, your attitude is, “I’ve worked hard all day; I deserve some rest. Don’t bug me, wife!” you don’t love her as God calls you to do. Instead, as you drive home, you should be thanking God for the wonderful wife He has given you, be praying for her and thinking about how God wants you to minister to her. If your wife brings you your slippers and the paper when you walk in the door and says, “Enjoy yourself,” that’s fine. But if the kids are going wild, the phone is ringing, the dishes are piled up in the sink, and the trash needs taking out, you may need to set aside your right to some relaxation and serve your wife out of love.
Paul states Christ’s purpose in giving Himself for the church (Eph. 5:26-27): “so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”
The world views love as an aimless, effortless state of ecstasy. You fall in love, kind of like falling off a surfboard. Once you’re in the water, you just let the current carry you along. If you have to work at it or give it any effort, you must not have the real thing. True love is totally spontaneous and unplanned.
But biblical love involves effort to achieve a purpose. Christ does not achieve His aims for His bride by effortless spontaneity! He has a definite purpose and He works with us to achieve it.
“That He might sanctify her ….” To sanctify means to set apart unto God for His purposes. There are three senses of sanctification in the Bible. There is positional sanctification, which happens at the moment of salvation. God sets us apart for Himself (1 Cor. 1:2). Then there is progressive sanctification, the process by which God makes us holy in practice (1 Thess. 4:3). And, there is perfect sanctification, in which we will be completely holy at the moment of Christ’s return (1 John 3:2; pictured in Eph. 5:27).
Verse 26 probably refers to the positional sanctification that takes place at the moment of salvation (Peter O’Brien, The Letter to the Ephesians [Eerdmans/Apollos], pp. 421-422). In this sense, it has in view the exclusivity of our marriage to Jesus Christ. Just as couples often pledge at their wedding, “Forsaking all others, I devote myself to you alone,” so when Christ saves us, we are set apart from the world unto Him alone. We belong exclusively to Him.
In practical terms, men, this means that you must put a protective fence around your love for your wife. There is no place for flirting with other women. I think it is dangerous and inappropriate for a married man to continue or to form close friendships with women other than his wife, unless his wife is fully included. Also, it should go without saying, but I’ll say it: you should not look at other women lustfully, whether in pornography or in person. While there is a sense in which Jesus loves all people, there is a special, exclusive sense in which He loves His bride. Even so, a Christian husband must guard his exclusive relationship with his wife.
Christ “cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” This refers to the cleansing that takes place at the moment of salvation, when Jesus’ blood cleanses us from all our sins (O’Brien, p. 422). While sanctifying refers to being set apart exclusively unto God, cleansing refers to the removal of our sins.
Many scholars understand “the washing of water with the word” to refer to baptism and the word of consecration that accompanies that ritual. Or, Paul may have been thinking of the ritual bath that Jewish brides took before their weddings. Or, he may have been thinking of Ezekiel 16:8-14, where God describes how He entered into a marriage covenant with His bride Israel. He washed off her blood, anointed her with oil, and clothed her in beautiful garments and jewelry, dressing her like a queen. Even so, Christ took us from our impurity and cleansed us from all our sins, making us the bride of the King.
“The word” (Eph. 5:26, Greek, rhema) refers to the spoken or preached word, and probably refers to the gospel (as in Eph. 6:17; see also, John 15:3 & 17:17, which both use logos). It is through the word of the gospel that we are cleansed and set apart unto God. When Christ opens our ears to hear the gospel, that He shed His blood to cleanse us from our sins, and when He imparts to us faith to believe it, we become His purified bride, set apart unto Him.
The application for husbands is that we must be committed to the total well-being of our wives, but especially to their spiritual growth in holiness. Set the example and encourage her to spend time daily in God’s Word. Pray with her and for her, that she might grow in godliness. Talk often with her about the things of God. Share with her the struggles and the joys of your walk with God. Listen to praise music and biblical sermons when you take a trip together. Protect your wife from the world’s moral filth as much as you are able. Don’t watch raunchy movies or TV programs.
The picture in verses 26 and 27 is of the Lord building His church, so that we will be holy and blameless. That has been His purpose from eternity. In Ephesians 1:4 we read, “just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.” The Lord never does anything to tear down or put down His chosen bride! Even when He must discipline us, He does it in love that we may share His holiness (Heb. 12:6, 10).
The application for Christian husbands is obvious: Any thoughts, words, or deeds that put down your wife, ridicule her, attack her, or tear her down, are not in line with your God-given purpose. At times, you may need gently to correct her in love. But your aim is to help her grow into a truly beautiful woman in the sense of Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Or, in the words of 1 Peter 3:4, you want to encourage her to develop “the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”
We’ll look at the other eight contrasts next time. But for now, let me urge all husbands to focus on two things:
First, immerse yourself often in the wonder of the cross. Paul is not giving out worldly self-help tips here on how to have a happy marriage. He roots his instruction to husbands in the theology and beauty of the cross, where the sinless Son of God offered Himself to secure His bride. As Martyn Lloyd-Jones points out (ibid., pp. 137-138), “His argument is clearly this—it is only as we realize the truth about the relationship of Christ to the church that we can really function as Christian husbands ought to function.” When you are overwhelmed daily with the fact that Jesus Christ died for all your sins, to make you His bride, the humility that that produces in you will spill over into self-sacrificing love for your wife. So take time each day to think about the glorious, amazing grace shown to you at the cross.
Second, take time often during the week (perhaps as you’re driving home from work) to think about how you can show sacrificial, purposeful Christlike love to your wife. Be as practical and specific as you can. It may be as simple as asking about her day and listening sensitively as she tells you. It may be helping her with the household chores or giving her a break from the kids. But if you aren’t giving it focused thought, you’re not obeying Paul’s command here. Your love for her should be sacrificial, not selfish. It should be purposeful, not aimless. You should do it not primarily to have a happy marriage, but primarily to glorify the Lord, who loved you and gave Himself for you on the cross.
In 1990, Robertson McQuilkin, the president of Columbia Bible College and Seminary, surprised many in the Christian world when he resigned his position in order to care for his wife, Muriel, who had Alzheimer’s disease. He was in his early sixties and could have served much longer. His wife could no longer communicate in sentences, and even her phrases were often nonsensical. She needed around the clock care. Since she would only grow worse, trusted, lifelong, godly friends urged McQuilkin to put her in an institution and continue his ministry. But he decided that it was his loving, joyful responsibility to care for her.
McQuilkin was startled by the public response to his resignation. He heard of husbands and wives renewing their marriage vows, of pastors telling the story to their congregations. It was a mystery to him why it attracted such attention, until an oncologist friend, who lives constantly with dying people, told him, “Almost all women stand by their men; very few men stand by their women.” (Christianity Today [10/8/90].)
Men, God calls us to stand by our wives by loving them as Christ loved the church, sacrificially and purposefully.
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
October 8, 2017
Kids sometimes have some humorous and wise insights on love and marriage. When asked, “How does a person decide who to marry?” Allan (age 10) said, “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Kirsten (age 10) replied, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.” She must have been a Calvinist!
What do most people do on a date? Martin (age 10) has some youthful insight: “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Is it better to be single or married? Anita (age 9) says, “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” Kenny (age 7) says, “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”
Why love happens between two people: Jan (age 9) says, “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” Harlen (age 8) says, “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”
What is falling in love like? Roger (age 9) says, “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” Greg (age 8) says, “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.”
When is it okay to kiss someone? Pam (age 7) says, “When they’re rich!” Curt (age 7) is more cautious: “The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t mess with that.” Howard (age 8) is a bit more responsible: “The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” Jean (age 10) says, “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.”
How to make a marriage work: Ricky (age 7) says, “Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!” Bobby (age 9) says, “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” Roger (age 8) says, “Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up the love.”
We are considering the question, “What is Christlike love for your wife?” We’ve seen that…
Sacrificial, purposeful Christlike love should characterize every husband’s relationship with his wife.
Last time we saw that…
“Love is self-sacrificing,” just as “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).
“Love is caring,” just as a man nourishes and cherishes his own flesh, as Christ does the church (Eph. 5:29).
“Love is a commitment,” as implied by the command to love, by Christ’s covenant love for us, and by the analogy of the body.
“Love shows itself.” It is not just words, but also deeds, as seen by Christ’s going to the cross for us.
“Love seeks the highest good of the one loved,” just as Christ died for us so that He might sanctify and cleanse us, to present us to Himself in all our glory, as holy and blameless (Eph. 5:26-27).
We also looked at two of ten contrasts to help understand what a husband’s Christlike love for his wife looks like.
Selfishness is the number one enemy of love.
Your ultimate purpose is to build up your wife in Christ, so that she is “holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:27). We continue now with the rest of the contrasts.
While married love aims at the high ideal of a bride who is holy and blameless, it is realistic. A godly husband accepts his wife for who she is and graciously, patiently works with her to help her become all that God intends for her to be. The fact that a wife is not perfect does not detract a husband from his steadfast love for her.
As we saw, husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). What kind of church does Christ love? Is she perfect, or close to it? Hardly! Even as He went to the cross, Jesus predicted Peter’s denials and that the disciples all would fall away because of Him (Mark 14:27, 30). The New Testament honestly shows that the early churches were far from perfect. All of the epistles address problems in those churches.
Look at your own life since coming to salvation. Have you perfectly obeyed Jesus Christ? Has your love for Him always been fervent? Have you always kept yourself pure and devoted only to Him? And yet, in spite of your many failures, He loves you with a steadfast, committed love!
One of the questions that I ask couples in premarital counseling is, “Knowing that no one is perfect, name at least five faults in your fiancé.” My aim is not to get couples to find fault with each other, but rather to determine whether they’re entering marriage with their eyes wide open. If they can only name one or two faults, they’re going to be in for a rude awakening after the honeymoon, if not before!
When couples come for marriage counseling, invariably they are blaming each other. He blames her for her faults; she blames him for his faults. Speaking to husbands (because our text does), your wife is imperfect, just as the church is imperfect. But Christ calls you to love her as she is with the kind of steadfast love that helps her to grow in godliness. But this means that you need to set the example by your patient, kind, love toward her.
Scripture is clear that God took the initiative in loving us and drawing us to salvation. God didn’t look down through history, see in advance who would believe, and then choose them for salvation. That would make salvation based on some good that He foresaw in us, not on God’s grace alone! Romans 5:8 is plain: “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 9:16 declares, “So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy.” Thankfully, His love took the initiative.
Applied to husbands, this means that you must continually initiate and demonstrate self-sacrificing love for your wife, regardless of her response. If you think, “Well, I’ll go 50-50, or even, 75-25,” that’s not enough. You’ve got to love 100 percent, even if she’s being disagreeable or difficult to live with. If you respond to her anger with your anger, it only increases alienation. I encourage every husband (and wife) to memorize 1 Peter 3:8-9, which follows immediately Peter’s counsel to wives and husbands: “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” Love takes the initiative to bless; it doesn’t wait for the other person to go first.
This is the outworking of the previous point. Love takes action even when it is undeserved. But also, you must show consistent love over the long haul, even when your wife is not being especially lovely. I’ve heard husbands complain, “If she would just curb her anger and be more submissive, it would be easier to love her.” But, the husband’s job is not to get his wife to submit or to love her only when she’s lovable, but to love her consistently, just as Christ loves an often difficult, disobedient church.
This does not mean that you never confront your wife regarding her sin. Many husbands err here. Perhaps a wife is frequently angry, but rather than patiently, lovingly helping her acknowledge and overcome her anger, the husband runs for cover to get some relief. Or, he sinfully fights back by confronting her anger with his anger. Neither approach is godly.
A Christlike husband is not quarrelsome, but kind, patient, and able to speak the truth, even when wronged (2 Tim. 2:24-25). He gently, but faithfully comes alongside his wife and teaches her, “Your anger does not glorify God. I want to help you be a godly woman. Let’s see what God’s Word says about how to overcome anger.” By example and by teaching, he helps her to grow in godliness. That’s how Christ deals with His bride the church. That’s how a loving husband must deal with his wife, even when she is not all that she is supposed to be.
Paul says (Eph. 5:28-29), “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” He is not encouraging us to learn to love ourselves so that we can love our wives! That’s modern psychobabble. Rather, he is pointing out that normal people love their bodies, as seen by the way that we care for our bodies and protect them from danger. His point is that your wife is a part of your body, just as we (the church) are members of Christ’s body (Eph. 5:30). A husband and wife are one flesh (Eph. 5:31). When you love her, you’re loving your own body.
That’s an amazing concept! Paul is probably going back to the creation of Eve, who was not created out of the dust of the ground, as Adam was. Rather, she was taken out of his body, bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Gen. 2:23). This has profound implications for Christian marriage. For one thing, it means that husbands and wives should not be competing with each other, but cooperating. You’re on the same team. Also, if your wife is hurting, you’re hurting! If you’re insensitive to her pain, you’re denying the fact that she is your body. If you coldly ignore her feelings and say, “That’s your problem,” you’re ignoring yourself. If you attack her with harsh words, you’re attacking yourself. It would be as if a man hit his thumb with a hammer and then said, “You stupid thumb! Why did you get in the way? You deserve to hurt for being so dumb! I’ll teach you!” So he smashes it again! That would be crazy! And yet, that’s how many men treat their wives.
A husband who becomes so engrossed with his career that he ignores his wife is committing the same error, of living independently of his wife. Some years ago, a reporter asked the new head coach of a professional football team if his wife objected to his 18-hour workdays. He replied, “I don’t know. I don’t see her that much.” (From Focus on the Family, May, 1987.) I don’t know if they’re still married, but that coach was not sharing his life with his wife as if she were his own body. At the very least, this analogy means that a husband must spend a lot of time with his wife, sharing his life with her and allowing her to share her life with him.
Paul says (Eph. 5:29-30) that husbands must nourish and cherish their wives, “just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.” This reveals at least two ways that husbands must demonstrate responsible love for their wives:
Nourish has the nuance of feeding. Every man feeds his own body. Every husband is responsible to feed his wife. This includes material provisions, such as the basic necessities of food and covering. A lazy man who refuses to work to provide for his family has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8).
But beyond that, nourishing also implies that a husband cares about his wife’s total well-being. He exerts himself to provide for her in every way. He tries to provide for her emotionally and spiritually. At the very least, this means taking the initiative to bring your wife and children to church on Sunday, where you all can be fed nourishing food from God’s Word. Many husbands just shrug their shoulders and go to church wherever the wife wants to go. But a responsible husband takes the lead in making sure that the church they join preaches the truth of God’s Word.
Also, providing for your wife spiritually means reading the Bible and praying together as a family. Read good Christian books and talk about them. Talk about the truths of the faith. Occasionally, go to a good spiritual life or marriage conference. As a husband, you’re responsible to provide spiritual food for your wife.
Love cherishes. The word means “warmth,” and pictures a mother tenderly holding her infant against her to keep it warm from the cold. (Paul uses the Greek verb of a mother in 1 Thess. 2:7, where the NASB translates, “tenderly cares.”) Again, this verb stems from the analogy of the wife actually being part of the husband’s body. If your hands get cold on a winter day, you don’t say, “Stupid hands, stay out in the cold for all I care!” Rather, you put them inside your coat and tenderly warm them again. Responsible love cares; it is not indifferent or calloused.
In verse 31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This was written about Adam and Eve, neither of whom had a mother or father! So it was given for our instruction, to show us that a man must be mature enough to leave his parents before he enters into marriage.
Some husbands expect the same treatment from their wives as they got from their mothers! They expect her to clean the house, buy the groceries, manage the money, and generally take care of them, while they buy toys and go play with their buddies. That’s immature, to say the least! A husband must leave his parents so that he can be joined to his wife and lead her in a mature, responsible manner. He should be her leader, not her little boy!
“Be joined to” (Eph. 5:31) points to a permanent, lifelong covenant relationship. Marriage creates a new, one-flesh identity of head and body. It is the permanent commitment that enables a couple to work through difficulties, as every couple has to do. I advise every couple to remove the words “divorce” and “separation” from your vocabularies. Even in the heated emotions of a disagreement, never threaten to leave! As we’ve seen, marriage isn’t just about our happiness. It’s an earthly picture of Christ and the church. For a husband to threaten to leave his wife when there is a problem would be like Christ threatening to leave His bride, the church. But, thankfully (Heb. 13:5b), “He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.’”
In verse 31 Paul cites Genesis 2:24, which lays the foundation of marriage as a one flesh relationship. When God instituted marriage, it was between a man and a woman, not between two people of the same sex, which is an abomination to God (Lev. 18:22). It was also between one man and one woman, not between one man and many women, whether at the same time or in serial fashion. Although God tolerated polygamy in the Old Testament, it never reflected His original design for marriage and it always created problems. The same is true of divorce. God’s design is that one man and one woman be joined exclusively for life.
“One flesh” refers primarily to the sexual union. Paul says (1 Cor. 6:16) that even when a man has sex with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her. God has designed the sexual union to create this intimate, one flesh relationship, even when it’s a one-time, impersonal event! But it is to be confined within the boundary of lifelong covenant marriage in order to deepen the relationship between a husband and wife. Casual sex, outside of the permanence of marriage, is never an expression of love, but only of lust.
Marriage is a great mystery, in that it is an earthly picture of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32). Sex in the Bible is often described as a man knowing his wife. A husband and wife’s sexual union is a sacred picture of the intimate, face-to-face knowledge that we share with our heavenly Bridegroom. Jesus said that there will not be any marriage in heaven (Matt. 22:30). I’ve often said to Marla, “How can heaven be heaven if I can’t be married to you?” The biblical answer is, in heaven there will be no need for the picture, because the reality will have come. We will be married to our heavenly Bridegroom for all eternity. Therefore, we must guard our purity to keep ourselves sexually only for our mates. The picture of Christ and His church is at stake!
The Christlike love that every husband daily should give to his wife is a self-sacrificing, caring commitment that shows itself in seeking the highest good of the one loved. J. Allan Petersen observed (Reader’s Digest [10/93], p. 201):
Most people get married believing a myth—that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages.
A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising—keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.
Someone asked a woman who had been married to her husband for over 60 years for her best relationship advice. She paused and then said, “Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.” (Nate Bagley, in Reader’s Digest [2/15], p. 45.) That’s good advice for both wives and husbands, but especially for husbands, because God’s command is directed to you (Eph. 5:25): “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” It’s a lifelong, growing process. But make sure that you work at obeying it this week!
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
October 15, 2017
How would you describe a mature Christian? What should be the most obvious characteristic of one who walks daily with Jesus Christ as his (or her) Savior and Lord?
Some might say, “The heart of the Christian message is the Bible. Therefore, a spiritually mature Christian is one who knows the Bible well. He studies it diligently. He can explain the core doctrines of the faith. He can cite many passages from memory. Since we can’t know God apart from how He has revealed Himself in His Word, Bible knowledge is the essential mark of maturity.”
Another might say, “Bible knowledge is no good unless you believe its message with all your heart. Great faith in God and the promises of His Word is the mark of maturity.”
“But,” someone else may respond, “faith without works is dead. A spiritually mature person is one who shows his faith by his good deeds. Show me a person with good works and there you’ll see a spiritually mature person.”
“Yes,” says another, “but a person like that may fall away in a time of persecution. The real mark of a mature believer is his perseverance in a time of persecution. If he trusts God even to the point of martyrdom, he is truly spiritually mature.”
Who is right? According to the apostle Paul, none of them. They all missed the central mark of Christian maturity. In fact, you can add up all of those qualities together—great knowledge of the Bible and even the ability to expound it eloquently and powerfully; faith that moves mountains; good deeds; and perseverance even to martyrdom—but if you lack another quality, the sum of your spiritual maturity is zero.
That quality is Christian love (agape). Paul makes this argument in probably the most profound, eloquent treatise on love both in the Bible and in all literature. The Corinthian church was emphasizing a good thing, spiritual gifts, to the neglect of the best. They were using their gifts apart from love. Paul makes the point that the use of their God-given gifts would amount to nothing if the Corinthians did not make love their priority.
In verses 1-3 he shows the preeminence of love: it is greater than all spiritual gifts because without love, gifts are empty. Love is greater than tongues, prophecy, knowledge, faith, good deeds, and even martyrdom. If you do all of these things without love, you’re a spiritual zero.
In verses 4-7 he shows the practice of love: it is greater than all spiritual gifts because of its selfless characteristics. As I’ve often explained (based on several Scriptures), biblical love is a self-sacrificing, caring commitment that shows itself in seeking the highest good of the one loved. Jesus Christ, in His sacrificial death on the cross, is the epitome and embodiment of this kind of love. We are (Eph. 5:2) to “walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”
In verses 8-13 he shows the permanence of love: it is greater than all spiritual gifts because it outlasts them. We’re going to focus mainly on verses 4-7, where Paul describes how love acts. While in English most of these words are predicate adjectives, in Greek they are verbs. Love is not talk; it is action.
While all Christians are to love others, even our enemies (Matt. 5:44), and our text was written to help a divided, spiritually immature church, Paul’s command (Eph. 5:25), “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” shows that husbands especially are responsible to set the example of love in their families. A professing Christian family where the husband and father does not set the example by practicing love is missing the most important characteristic of a Christian home. So my main focus in this message is that …
Practicing selfless love is the priority for every Christian husband.
We’re all prone to apply verses like these to others: “My mate and my kids could sure use a lesson in love. But me? I’m easy to get along with. I’m basically a loving person.” But I ask each of you to forget about everybody else and ask God to apply these verses to you. Paul enumerates 15 characteristics (which we can combine into 13) of love to show how love acts or what it looks like in everyday life. Let’s look briefly at each of them.
Ouch! He nails me right off the bat! I often fail to be patient with my wife and when our children were still in the home, I was often impatient with them. Patience is a quality that I practice beautifully when I don’t need it. But when things start to irritate me, I not only lack patience; I don’t even want to be patient!
The Greek word comes from two words meaning, “long-tempered.” If you’re patient, you’re slow to anger. You endure personal wrongs without retaliating. You graciously bear with others’ imperfections, faults, and differences. You give them time to change and room to make mistakes without coming down hard on them. Does that describe you, men, with your wife and children?
Dr. Thomas Cooper was a man who had developed this quality to a far greater extent than I. During the late 1500’s, Dr. Cooper edited a dictionary with the addition of 33,000 words and many other improvements. He had already been collecting materials for eight years when his wife, a rather difficult woman, went into his study one day while he was gone and burned all of his notes under the pretense of fearing that he would kill himself with study. Eight years of work was a pile of ashes!
Dr. Cooper came home, saw the destruction, and asked who had done it. His wife told him boldly that she had done it. The patient man heaved a deep sigh and said, “Oh Dinah, Dinah, thou hast given a world of trouble!” Then he quietly sat down to another eight years of hard labor, to replace the notes which she had destroyed. (Paul Tan, Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations [Assurance Publishers, #2350.) Next time you think you’ve arrived at being patient, that story should give you something to aim for!
Kindness is patience in action. The Greek word comes from a word meaning “useful.” A kind person seeks to be helpful. He looks for needs and opportunities to meet those needs without repayment. The word was used of mellow wine, and suggests a man who is gentle, who has an ability to soothe hurt feelings, to calm an upset person, and to help quietly in practical ways. He is tender and forgiving when wronged.
The test of whether you are kind is when you do something nice for someone who is ungrateful or even mean in return. When He instructed us to love our enemies, Jesus pointed to God as our example, explaining (Luke 6:35), “for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.” God’s kindness should bring sinners to repentance (Rom. 2:4). His kindness should motivate us to put aside all malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander, and to long for the pure milk of the word so that by it we may grow in respect to salvation (1 Pet. 2:1-3).
Applying this to husbands, would your wife and kids describe you as kind? Do you think about their needs and try to meet those needs? Are you sensitive to their feelings? Do you treat your wife and children with kindness to set the example in your home? Love is not gruff and mean; love is kind.
The word means to eagerly desire, and it is used both positively and negatively in the Bible. Positively, God is a jealous God who does not tolerate any idolatry on the part of His people (Ex. 20:5; 34:14). He commends those who are jealous for His honor (Num. 25:13). In that sense, a loving husband is jealous to preserve the sanctity of his marriage. He doesn’t allow anything in himself or in his wife to come between their exclusive fidelity.
But he is not jealous in the negative sense of being greedy, selfish, and possessive. A sinfully jealous husband wants to have his wife totally to himself so that she can meet his needs. He denies her freedom to spend time with her family or with other women friends. He resents the time she spends with the children. He doesn’t trust her when she’s out of his sight or his control. Jealousy is a deed of the flesh, often associated with anger and quarrels (2 Cor. 12:20; Gal. 5:20; James 4:2).
These ugly twins are related. They both stem from selfishness and are the flip side of jealousy. A bragging, arrogant husband thinks he knows it all and treats his wife as if she were stupid. He often puts her down either verbally or with a look of disgust. Bragging reveals a proud heart.
A bragging, arrogant husband is competing with his wife for glory. He says things like, “After all I’ve done for you, and you treat me like this!” But love doesn’t seek to build up me; love seeks to build up the other person. Love is humble. The humble, loving husband is aware that everything he has, including his wife, is an undeserved gift from God (1 Cor. 4:7). So he doesn’t boast in himself, but thankfully uses what God has given him to serve her.
Some translations (NIV, ESV) read, “It is not rude.” Love has good manners. It tries to put others at ease. It’s courteous, polite, sensitive to the feelings of others, and tactful. A loving husband considers how he would feel if he were in his wife’s place and treats her as he would want to be treated. He doesn’t make fun of her mistakes or weaknesses. He doesn’t put her down with sarcastic comments. He treats her with respect and honor. Rudeness stems from thinking of ourselves, often at the expense of others.
When a couple is courting, the man will run around the car in a driving rainstorm to open the door for his sweetheart. Five years after they’re married, he says, “What’s the matter? You got a broken arm?” Love is considerate. It’s not rude.
The ESV translates, “It does not insist on its own way.” A loving husband does not demand his rights. Alan Redpath (source unknown) said, “The secret of every discord in Christian homes, communities and churches is that we seek our own way and our own glory.” Selfishness is the root problem of the human race; it is the antithesis of love, which is self-sacrificing.
Elisabeth Elliot was once speaking on this subject to an audience that included some young children who were sitting right in front of her. As she spoke, she wondered how she could make this plain to them, so that they could apply it. Later, she got a letter from one of those children, a six-year-old boy, who wrote, “I am learning to lay down my life for my little sister. She has to take a nap in the afternoon. I don’t have to take a nap. But she can’t go to sleep unless I come and lay down beside her. So I lay down with my little sister.” (In, “Back to the bible Today,” Jan.-Feb. 1994, p. 5.) That boy is learning not to seek his own, but to love!
If husbands and wives, as well as children, would apply this verse as that little boy did, our homes would be free of conflict. We would reflect the spirit of Jesus Christ, who did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). Aren’t you glad Jesus didn’t insist on His rights? He would have stayed in heaven and we wouldn’t be saved!
J. B. Phillips paraphrases, “It is not touchy.” A loving husband does not have a short fuse or a hair-trigger temper. He doesn’t make his family walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off. He doesn’t explode when some little thing that doesn’t go his way. He doesn’t use his temper to intimidate, control, or punish. Some guys excuse their anger by saying, “Sure, I have a bad temper. But I get it all out and it’s over in a few minutes.” Bombs work like that, too! But look at the devastation a bomb leaves behind! Except for rare occasions of righteous anger, anger and love are opposites.
This is an accounting word, used of numerical calculation. It is used of God not imputing our guilt to us, but instead imputing the righteousness of Christ to our account (Rom. 4:6-8). Love doesn’t keep a tally of wrongs and bear a grudge until every wrong is paid for. It doesn’t try to gain the upper hand by reminding the other person of past wrongs. In other words, love forgives.
I once tried to counsel a woman who had marriage problems. The first thing she did was hand me an eight-page detailed record of the wrongs that her husband had committed against her. I told her that if she wanted healing in her marriage, she needed to burn those eight pages. She didn’t like my counsel because she wanted to make her husband pay. She was keeping score! But that’s not love!
These qualities are the flip side of one another. Moffatt puts it, “Love is never glad when others go wrong.” To rejoice in the truth means to be glad about behavior or attitudes that line up with the truth of God’s Word. If your wife sins against you, you don’t gloat because now she owes you one. You grieve, because God is grieved over sin. If she repents and asks forgiveness, you rejoice.
There is a fine balance to love. A loving husband is kind and overlooks many of his wife’s faults, but he doesn’t compromise the truth or take a soft view of sin. To allow your wife to go on in disobedience to God’s Word is not to seek her highest good; it is not love. A loving husband sensitively confronts and corrects because he cares deeply and he knows that sin destroys. And, a loving husband rejoices with the truth. He gets excited when it hears of spiritual victories. He encourages by expressing joy over little evidences of growth. John, the apostle of love, wrote (3 John 4), “I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth.”
The four repetitions of “all things” (v. 7) are hyperbole or exaggerations to make a point (John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary, 1 Corinthians [Moody Press], p. 352). There are many sins, such as jealousy, arrogance, rudeness, selfishness, anger, and bitterness that love does not bear, believe, hope, or endure, because those sins destroy relationships. Love gently confronts sin and seeks to restore the sinner to the Lord (Gal. 6:1).
“Bear” can mean either to bear up under or to protect by covering. Many commentators prefer the first meaning, but then it would mean the same as “endures all things” (end of v. 7). I prefer the second meaning, to protect by covering. A loving husband doesn’t broadcast his wife’s faults. He doesn’t put her down with jokes or sarcasm. He defends her character as much as possible within the limits of truth. He won’t lie about her weaknesses, but neither will he deliberately expose them. Love protects.
The NIV translates, “Love always trusts.” This does not imply gullibility. Rather, a loving husband is not suspicious of his wife’s character or motives without good reason. A good relationship must be built on mutual trust. If trust has been broken, then it needs to be earned again, step by step. But love assumes the other person is innocent until proven guilty, not vice versa. If there is a problem, a loving husband doesn’t immediately accuse or blame his wife. He doesn’t grill her about every detail of her story, like an attorney cross-examining a defendant. He believes the best about her. He trusts her.
A loving husband is not pessimistic. He does not expect his wife to fail, but to succeed. If she does fail, he doesn’t take her failure as final. He exudes a godly optimism that says, “I know you can do it, because God in you is able!” This doesn’t mean ignoring reality or closing your eyes to problems. But a loving husband rests on God’s promise to work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. To hope all things for your wife assumes that you pray for her growth in godliness. Since God “is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think” (Eph. 3:20), love hopes all things.
“Endures” is a military word meaning to sustain the assault of an enemy. It has the idea of holding up under trial, of persevering in spite of difficulties. It implies that there will be difficult problems in a Christian marriage, but a loving husband hangs in there. He doesn’t give up or tell his wife, “I’ve had it with you! I’m done!” Trusting in God, he remains committed to his wife’s highest good.
There is an epidemic among Christians of bailing out of tough situations. People don’t like something that happens in a church, so they go find another church more to their liking. They run into problems or disagreements in their marriage, grow tired of the situation, and bail out.
“But,” you say, “isn’t adultery a legitimate grounds for divorce?” Technically, yes. But all too often one partner uses it as an escape hatch to bail out of a marriage where both partners have wronged each other in many ways for years. I’m not minimizing the seriousness of adultery. It destroys trust and creates all sorts of problems in a marriage. I’m not suggesting that it’s easy to work through. It takes a lot of time and hard work to rebuild a broken relationship. But God’s best is to forgive and renew the marriage, not to bail out. Love endures all things.
That’s what a loving husband in action looks like. He is selfless, wholly directed to build up his wife. Of course nobody can love like that. Only God is love (1 John 4:7). Put “Christ” in verses 4-7 instead of “love” and you have a description of Him. Jesus is patient, kind, not jealous; does not brag, is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; does not seek His own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. If we want to love one another, we must focus on His love for us and walk in His Spirit who produces His fruit of love in us (Gal. 5:22).
Humorist Sam Levenson says, “Love at first sight is easy to understand. It’s when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle” (Reader’s Digest [3/83]). But it’s not really a miracle; it’s the result of walking with God, repeatedly confronting your selfishness and daily practicing biblical love toward your wife.
How does a husband grow in love? First, spend time alone with God in His Word and prayer each day. Allow His Word to confront your own selfishness and sin. Then, make love your deliberate aim. As Paul goes on to say (1 Cor. 14:1), “Pursue love.” Also, extend to your wife the same grace that God has extended to you in Christ. He is (Exod. 34:6) “compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth.” A godly husband should reflect those qualities to his wife.
An old legend says that in his old age the apostle John was so weak that he had to be carried into the church meetings. At the end of the meeting he would be helped to his feet to give a word of exhortation. He would invariably repeat, “Little children, love one another.”
The disciples grew weary of the same words every time. Finally they asked him why he said the same thing over and over. He replied, “Because it is the commandment of the Lord, and the observation of it alone is sufficient.” Practicing selfless love is the priority for every Christian husband.
Copyright 2017, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
October 22, 2017
A couple was looking forward to a long-awaited date night. It was the time of year for their mutual birthdays and the wife had planned for a group of friends to meet them for a surprise party for her husband at a favorite Chinese restaurant.
As they drove away, the husband suggested, “Let’s go out for Mexican food.” His wife calmly said, “I’d really prefer Chinese food tonight.” The husband came back, “No, I’d really like a big enchilada!” They went back and forth and it became obvious to the wife that he had chosen to be demanding, unreasonable, and interested only in his own food cravings. Finally, she screamed in frustration, “You dope! I have a surprise party planned for you at the Chinese restaurant. We have to go there.”
To her even greater frustration, he burst out laughing, which made her even angrier. He laughed so hard that it took him five minutes to tell her that he had planned a surprise party for her—at the Mexican restaurant (Marilyn Anderes, Discipleship Journal [date unknown])!
That story shows how important good communication is for healthy relationships. Before she knew the truth, she thought he was being obstinate and selfish. He probably thought the same thing about her. But actually both of them were motivated not by selfishness, but by love. Each was seeking to please his or her mate. While their short-lived communication breakdown was humorous, it’s not always so funny. Communication problems are always a major factor in marital breakups.
In 1 Peter 3:8-12, the apostle shows us how to communicate in a godly way. In the context, Peter is dealing with how Christians are to live as pilgrims in a difficult world (1 Pet. 2:11-12). Peter’s readers were suffering. He offers practical help for the difficult relationships we all contend with in this troubled world: We should submit to government authority (1 Pet. 2:13-17); slaves should submit to abusive masters (1 Pet. 2:18-25); wives should submit to disobedient husbands (1 Pet. 3:1-6); husbands should understand and honor their wives (1 Pet. 3:7); and, a persecuted church should bear up under suffering when wronged (1 Pet. 3:13-22, plus the entire epistle). Peter is especially concerned about how believers can bear witness in this hostile territory. Peter is showing how obedience to God and submission to proper authority will mark us as distinct and will provide a powerful witness to the rebellious who live for self and personal rights.
Our text shows how to get along and communicate in a godly way with one another. In verses 10 & 11, Peter quotes from Psalm 34, which says that to love life and see good days, we must do some things with our walk (vs. 11, which relates to vs. 8) and our words (vs. 10, which relates to vs. 9) that result in godly relationships. Then God’s blessing will be on us (v. 12). But if we don’t live like that, the Lord will be against us (a frightening thought)!
Godly communication requires that we turn from evil and do good in our walk and in our words.
1 Peter 3:11, “He must turn away from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it” (from Psalm 34:14) supports verse 8: “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit.” It shows the behavior that supports healthy relationships: We must turn from evil, do good, seek peace and pursue it.
You may wonder what behavior has to do with communication. But words alone account for only a small part of communication. After extensive research, one scholar suggested that words alone account for only seven percent of the communication process; tone of voice and inflection account for 38 percent; the remaining 55 percent is found in facial expressions, posture, and gestures (Albert Mehrabian, cited by David Augsburger, Cherishable: Love and Marriage [Herald Press], pp. 53-54). Even if we question his percentages, it’s clear that communication is not just words; it involves our behavior and attitudes.
Peter says that we are to turn away from evil (v. 11; “evil” is used 5 times in verses 8-12), which includes such sins as anger, violence, sexual immorality, greed, drunkenness, and drug abuse, which all hinder good communication (Gal. 5:19-21). But evil goes deeper than these things. At the root of all evil is living for self in disregard of God and others, except as they can serve us. Living for self, seeking self-fulfillment, thinking first about ourselves and not about others—all selfish behavior builds barriers to healthy communication, which seeks to understand the other person’s point-of-view. Because of the fall, we’re all selfish by nature, as seen by the fact that we’re all sitting here thinking, “I hope my wife and kids are listening, so they will stop being so selfish!” Turning from evil means turning from selfishness. We have to practice denying self on a daily basis (Luke 9:23).
It’s not enough just to deny self or turn from evil. Also, we must actively do good and pursue peace with others. As the apostle Paul wrote (Rom. 14:19), “So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” And (Rom. 12:18), “If possible, so far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men.” In other words, peace won’t happen spontaneously if we’re indifferent or passive. It takes effort to pursue it.
A mother with a scout troop said to her son, “I will not take any of you to the zoo if you don’t forgive Billy for stealing your candy bar.” “But Billy doesn’t want to be forgiven,” her son complained. “He won’t even listen.” “Then make him,” his mother said angrily. Suddenly, her son chased Billy, knocked him to the ground, sat on him, and yelled, “I forgive you for stealing my candy bar, but I’d sure find it easier to forget if you’d wipe the chocolate off your mouth!” (Josephine Ligon, “Your Daffodils Are Pretty,” Christianity Today [3/2/79], p. 18).
We’re not supposed to be that aggressive in pursuing peace! But the point is, we can’t be indifferent or passive about it. Jesus said (Matt. 5:23-24) that if you’re worshiping God and remember that your brother has something against you, leave your worship, go be reconciled to your brother, and then come back and worship. We are to take the initiative to do all we can to restore strained relationships.
It’s always time consuming and more of a hassle to do that than to let it slide. We’d rather not expend the emotional energy and time involved to get things straightened out. We figure that time will heal. Besides, it’s always humbling to admit I was wrong! So we don’t actively pursue peace. Of course, we aren’t supposed to confront a person for every minor offense. We should absorb a lot. But if a relationship is strained, then I need to attempt to seek reconciliation.
If you sinned against someone, say to the one you wronged, “God has shown me how wrong I was to [name the offense]. I want to live in a way that pleases Him. I’ve come to ask, ‘Will you forgive me?’” If someone else sinned against you, be careful not to accuse or attack him, but seek to restore him in a spirit of gentleness, remembering that you, too, are a sinner in process (Gal. 6:1). Thus, we must turn from evil (selfishness) and do good by pursuing peace. If our behavior is conducive for peace, it provides a foundation for our verbal communication.
What kind of behavior is conducive to peaceful, godly communication? Verse 8 gives us five behaviors or character qualities that promote godly relationships and communication:
(1) Harmonious—The Greek word means “of the same mind or attitude.” That mind-set is a desire to glorify and please God by obeying His Word. If two people share that desire, they still may have some serious differences to work through (as Paul and Barnabas did). But it provides a common ground to work toward resolution of conflicts. A harmonious person is not self-willed, demanding his own way, and judging those who don’t go along with him. He accepts people as Christ accepts them (Rom. 15:7). He knows the difference between biblical absolutes, which must not be compromised, and areas where there is room for difference. He gives people time to grow, realizing that it’s a process.
We all have different backgrounds, personalities, and ways of thinking. The only way for a harmonious marriage is for both partners to be committed to please God and obey His Word. That’s one reason why if you’re considering marriage, never marry a person who is living for self, even if that person professes to be a Christian. If a person is not committed to the daily, lifelong process of dying to self and learning to please God, then he will not be growing in this character quality of being harmonious. You’ll have constant conflict.
(2) Sympathetic—“Affected by like feelings.” Our Savior sympathizes with our weaknesses (Heb. 4:15) and so we are to be affected by what others are feeling. We are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15). We are to allow others’ sufferings to touch our emotions. We are to be sensitive to how we would feel if we were in the other person’s place. We should do all we can to make him or her feel accepted and loved. While we are to live by faith and obedience, not by feelings, we should not ignore or deny our feelings. Part of biblical communication is learning to listen not just to words, but to feelings, and to convey that you understand and care.
(3) Brotherly—The Greek word is philadelphoi, brotherly love. It points to the fact that as believers we are members of the same family. Your wife is not just your wife; she is your sister in Christ. Your believing children are also your brothers and sisters in Christ. Someone has wisely observed that we should treat our family members like we treat guests, and treat our guests like family. The comment is based on the fact that we’re often rude and inconsiderate toward those we live with. We yell at them as if they were the dog, not a family member. The behavior of brotherly love opens the doors for wholesome verbal communication.
(4) Kindhearted—“Tenderhearted, compassionate.” In the New Testament, this word is only used here and in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” The root word (which comes from the Greek word for “bowels”) is often used to mean “compassion.” The idea is to have deep, “gut feelings” for the other person. I don’t know if there is any difference between “kindhearted” and “sympathetic,” but both words have an emotional element. Christian behavior must go beyond cold duty. Others should sense that we genuinely care for them from our hearts. If family members feel our tender concern, it opens the way for healthy verbal communication.
(5) Humble in spirit—(lit., “lowliness of mind”). Jesus described Himself as “humble in heart” (Matt. 11:29, using a cognate word). Pagan writers in biblical times saw this quality as a weakness, but Christians elevated it as a virtue. In our day, many Christians have reverted to the pagan view, since many Christian books dealing with relationships say that you need greater self-esteem in order to love others. But the Bible clearly teaches that esteeming ourselves more than we esteem others is at the root of our conflicts. Helping the Philippian church work through some conflicts, Paul says (Phil. 2:3), “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” To have harmonious relationships, we must lower our estimate of ourselves (see: Rom. 12:10; 1 Pet. 5:5). High regard for myself causes me to refuse to admit my wrongs, to get angry when my way is challenged, and to reject correction. So the Bible never says, “Grow in self-esteem.” It often says, “Grow in humility.”
Thus, for the godly communication necessary for healthy relationships, we must turn from evil and do good in our walk. Godly behavior is the basis for godly communication. But, also,
Do you desire life and love to see good days? Peter says (1 Pet. 3:10b), “Keep [lit., “stop”] [your] tongue from evil and [your] lips from speaking deceit.” Godly words built on a godly walk will yield godly communication and relationships. Peter shows that we must turn from evil words that tear down and pursue good words that build up.
Peter mentions two aspects of turning from evil words:
(1) Turning from evil words means not retaliating when we are verbally abused. “Keep his tongue from evil” (citing Psalm 34:13) supports verse 9, that we are not to return insult for insult, but rather to give a blessing instead. This principle runs counter to the world which says, “If someone abuses you verbally, you don’t have to take it! Stand up for your rights! Assert yourself! Let them know that you have more self-respect than that!” But God says, “If someone insults you, bless them.” Say (or do) something kind in return. Jesus said (Luke 6:28), “Bless those who curse you; pray for those who mistreat you.” It’s not easy, but that’s what God commands.
We’re not talking here about clarifying misunderstandings or offering correction through proper communication. There are proper times to state your point-of-view and speak the truth in a calm, loving manner. What’s in view here is when a person is being deliberately abusive toward you. He’s trying to pick a fight or bait you. Peter says, “Don’t answer such abuse with more abuse. Don’t top his put down of you with a better put down of him. Don’t counter his name-calling by calling him names. Don’t rebut his sarcasm with more sarcasm. Don’t react to his attack by attacking him. Instead, respond with kind words.” Paul practiced this. He said (1 Cor. 4:12), “When we are reviled, we bless.” It’s the principle of Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
(2) Turning from evil words means refraining from deception. 1 Peter 3:10b: “Keep ... his lips from speaking deceit.” “Deceit” was used by Homer to mean “bait” or “snare.” It refers to anything calculated to manipulate, deceive, mislead, or distort the facts. Deception is a barrier to healthy communication, since it is self-seeking and it destroys trust. It may be a deliberate attempt to bend the facts to suit your side of the story. Or perhaps you leave out certain facts so that the other person gets a skewed view of what really happened. It may be telling a person one thing to his face, but saying something else behind his back. That way, people side with you against him. It may be exaggeration: “You always ...” “You never ...”
Paul says that we are to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Truth without love can be insensitive, harsh, or cruel. Love without truth is mushy, weak, and misleading. We need both in balance.
I realize that there are difficult situations where it is hard to be truthful. Do you tell a dying loved one the truth about his condition? Or, in a not so serious, but just as tough situation, what do you tell your wife when she asks, “Do you like my new hairdo?” Pray for tact and wisdom at such moments! But speaking the truth in love is always God’s way. Deception hurts healthy relationships and doesn’t please God.
Godly communication requires that we turn from evil words by not retaliating and not deceiving.
It’s not enough to hold your tongue when someone says something offensive to you. You are to give “a blessing instead,” because (v. 9) “you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” God called you to salvation when you were His enemy (Rom. 5:10). He rightly could have condemned you, but He saved you. Now, when someone verbally mistreats you, extend to him the same blessing God graciously extended to you. This means that giving your mate the silent treatment to make him (or her) pay for the insensitive way he spoke to you is not godly communication. It’s a form of retaliation. It’s not blessing him (or her). Blasting your mate because you’re just being honest about the way you feel, may be truthful, but it doesn’t bless him (her) or build up.
Rather, you are to speak words which build up, not which tear down (Eph. 4:29): “Let no unwholesome [lit. “rotten”] word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Does your speech build up the other person? Is it gracious? Or, is it like throwing a rotten tomato at him (or her)? If we would apply this in our homes—not trading insults, not deceiving, not clamming up, not blasting, but speaking words that build up the other person—we would put counselors out of business.
Think about your speech in your family this past week. How much of it was sarcastic, critical, angry, or accusatory? How much was aimed at blessing and building up your family members? You may protest, “We just kid each other with humorous gibes back and forth!” But I contend that trading put-downs, no matter how much in jest, does not build up the other person.
When I was in college, I met each week for dinner and a Bible study with a group of guys. Much of our time when we first got there was spent bantering back and forth with funny put-downs. One night a new Christian in the group confronted us by saying, “Hey, guys, this chopping each other down is sin!” We all protested at first and tried to defend ourselves, but he stuck to his guns until we realized that he was right. We weren’t blessing and building each other up. We had to repent.
Someone may be thinking, “Now wait a minute. You’ve been talking about denying myself, laying down my rights, not retaliating, blessing those who insult me, being harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble. But if you knew my husband (or wife or boss or roommates), you’d know that if I did that, I’d get trampled on! Am I supposed to be a doormat? Who’s going to look out for me? Who’s going to protect me if I act like that?”
Verse 12 tells you: God will! His eyes are on the righteous. His ears attend to their prayer. But His face is against those who do evil. Do you want God on your side? Then, please Him by turning from evil and doing good in your walk and your words. Even if you suffer for the sake of righteousness (v. 14), you’ll be blessed.
Godly relationships are really important! After all, loving one another is the second greatest commandment (Matt. 22:39). Dr. Bernadine Healy wrote (Reader’s Digest, 6/97, p. 47):
As a physician who has been deeply privileged to share the most profound moments of people’s lives, including their final moments, let me tell you a secret. People facing death don’t think about what degrees they have earned, what positions they have held or how much wealth they have accumulated. At the end, what really matters—and is a good measure of a past life—is who you loved and who loved you. The circle of love is everything.
Godly relationships are built on godly communication, which requires that we turn from evil and do good in our walk and words, no matter how we’re treated. If we all would commit 1 Peter 3:8-12 to memory and apply it to our relationships, our homes and our church would experience God’s blessing. His eyes would be upon us and His ears would attend to our prayers.
Copyright 2017, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
November 12, 2017
When John Wesley was a 32-year-old missionary in Georgia, he fell in love with a beautiful 18-year-old girl. He was torn between being committed to celibacy or marrying her. A friend suggested drawing lots to discern God’s will. Wesley agreed, so on one slip of paper, the friend wrote, “Marry.” On another, “Think not of it this year.” On the third, “Think of it no more.” Wesley closed his eyes and drew out the note that read, “Think of it no more.” The young woman married another man and Wesley was heartbroken.
Fifteen years later, Wesley married a wealthy widow, but the marriage was a disaster. He admitted later that he did not marry for happiness and he did not find it. He was gone a lot and wasn’t an easy man to live with. His wife eventually left him. When she later died, Wesley didn’t even know of her death until after the funeral.
How do you know if God wants you to marry and, if so, who is the right person? We all know that at the very least, Christians must marry Christians. But beyond that, how can you know God’s will on this important decision?
I’d like to offer some practical advice to singles, based on Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 7. He was writing to a church in a pagan, sex-saturated society. There were problems with immorality even among the members of the Corinthian church. Apparently, in reaction to the sensuality of the culture, some in the church were saying that the celibate life is the truly spiritual life. Even some who were married concluded that it was more spiritual to abstain from sexual relations in marriage. So Paul addresses these and some other problems. I can’t deal with the chapter in detail, but Paul’s main point for singles is:
Singles should pursue a path that leads to the greatest devotion to Christ and His cause.
That principle applies to every Christian, single or married, of course. Every Christian should ask, “How can I best seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33)?” But it is especially Paul’s word to singles. I offer three main thoughts:
While marriage is God’s plan for most people, He has gifted some to remain single so that they can serve Him without the encumbrances that necessarily go along with marriage. When Paul says, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (1 Cor. 7:1), he is using the word “touch” as a figure of speech that uses the physical relationship in marriage to represent marriage as a whole. Thus, he means, “It is good to remain single.” He restates the same idea in verses 7-9, and discusses it at length in verses 25-40. He is not commanding being single, since he recognizes the single state as a gift which God only gives to some; but he is strongly commending it, since it was a gift he himself had, and since it provides a number of advantages for serving the Lord that being married precludes.
This probably needs to be said more often. Many Christians put pressure on singles, especially older singles, to get married. Sometimes we convey an unbiblical attitude: “I wonder what’s wrong with him (or her) that he’s not married? He seems like a nice person.” But Paul teaches that being single is good if a person is gifted for it, since it opens some opportunities for serving Christ that are closed to married people. To say this is not to deprecate marriage, which both Paul and other biblical writers esteem as God’s good gift (1 Tim. 4:3; Heb. 13:4). It’s just a matter of how God has gifted a person.
There are at least four advantages for the person who is gifted to remain single:
(1) Singles have more freedom in difficult times. Interpreters differ, and so I can’t be dogmatic, but I think that Paul sensed an impending time of persecution against the church (1 Cor. 7:26). In such times, it’s easier to be single than married. Paul is quick to add (v. 28) that a person who marries at such a time has not sinned. But the married person will have more trouble (the Greek word means “pressure”), and Paul is trying to spare him. It’s one thing to be imprisoned or martyred for your faith as a single person. But it’s much more difficult, both for you and your family, if you’re married. So in a situation where persecution is likely, being single means that you’ll have more freedom than if you had a family. In the same vein …
(2) Singles have more flexibility to go to difficult places with the gospel. If you sense God’s call to take the gospel to a place where you may suffer persecution or severe hardship, you may want to remain single. There are notable exceptions: Don Richardson and his wife took their infant son with them to the cannibalistic Sawi people of Irian Jaya, as told in his classic, Peace Child [Bethany House]. They not only survived; they also saw the Sawi people come to Christ en masse. And that infant son, Steve Richardson, is now the director of Pioneers mission. Another example was Elisabeth Elliot, who went with her young daughter to live with the primitive tribe that had murdered her husband and four other young missionaries. So it’s not an ironclad rule. But it is easier to go to difficult places as a single person rather than taking your family.
(3) Singles have more freedom to devote themselves fully to God and His service. In verses 32-35, Paul points out that the single person has more time to devote to the things of the Lord than a married person does. Marriage carries with it certain responsibilities that take time and effort which otherwise could have been given to the Lord. Of course, both married and single people can be fully devoted to the Lord. But Paul’s point is that if a single person gives himself fully to the Lord and His service, and a married person does the same, the single person can do more, since he does not have the family obligations that the married person has.
Or, if you have a ministry that requires long periods of travel, it might create such a strain on your family that it would be better not to get married. I have read of missionaries whose long absences from home damaged their families. C. T. Studd left his wife, who was too ill to travel, in England while he went to Africa. They were only together a couple of weeks during her last eleven years of life. David Livingstone left his wife and children for years while he pioneered in the interior of Africa. They suffered greatly as a result.
For over 15 years, Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision, was away from his family an average of ten months each year. When he visited home, he often didn’t even unpack his suitcase (Marilee P. Dunker, Days of Glory, Seasons of Night [Zondervan], pp. 79, 91-92)! He used to say (p. 103), “I’ve made an agreement with God that I’ll take care of His helpless little lambs overseas if He’ll take care of mine at home.” But his marriage ended in divorce, one daughter committed suicide, and the daughter who wrote about their family had to struggle through a lot of emotional trauma.
While God accomplished much good through these dedicated men, I believe their witness was marred by neglecting their families. I think that if God is calling you to be a missionary, your first responsibility is still to your wife and children. Singles don’t have to be concerned about those responsibilities.
(4) Singles have more freedom to give sacrificially to the Lord’s work. Raising a family is expensive! While many married couples give generously to the Lord’s work, they cannot give as much as an unencumbered single person who is committed to the Great Commission. A single person doesn’t have to worry about buying a home large enough for a family; paying for all of the food, clothes, medical bills, braces, college educations, and other stuff that rearing a family requires. A single person only has to provide for himself. He’s free to give more to the Lord’s work.
Perhaps you’re thinking, “If staying single has all these advantages, then why shouldn’t we all stay single? Why get married?” Paul says (v. 7) that remaining single is a special gift from God. While he wishes that everyone had that gift, he recognizes that this is not so. From this chapter and other Scriptures, we learn that …
(1) Marriage provides a God-given outlet for sexual desires. Paul is very practical and realistic when he says (v. 2), “But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.” He adds (v. 9), “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn.”
If you’re single and find that fighting sexual temptation is a constant battle, then you probably don’t have the gift of celibacy. You need to pursue marriage. Paul is not saying that it is impossible for a single person to resist temptation, because he says (1 Cor. 10:13) that in every temptation, God provides the way of escape. Every Christian can be pure in thought and deed. But if fighting the battle for purity is all-consuming, the best solution is not more self-control, but a wife (or husband). Of course, temptations don’t end with marriage; you still need self-control. But God has given marriage as a legitimate outlet for sexual desires.
(2) Marriage provides companionship to relieve loneliness. Here I’m going back to Genesis, where Adam was in a perfect environment, in unbroken fellowship with his Creator, and yet God said (Gen. 2:18), “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.” If as a single you can reasonably control your loneliness through Christian fellowship, then you may be able to remain single. When I was single and in my mid-twenties, my mother gave me a book titled, Single and Satisfied. She meant well, but in spite of having some good friends, I was single and unsatisfied! I was lonely. I never read that book, but I kept praying in line with God’s Book, which says, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.”
(3) Marriage is the God-given context to raise up godly children. Children need the influence and example of a godly, loving father and mother so that they will grow up to know, love, and serve the Lord. Even when I was single, I loved kids and wanted my own. Even now when my kids are grown with their own kids, I miss the time when they were in our home. If you love kids and want your own, you probably don’t have the gift of celibacy.
(4) Marriage and children provide opportunities for witness to those without Christ. Of course, singles have opportunities for witness that married couples don’t. But as we’ve seen, marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church. As the world sees a husband’s gentle, Christlike love for his wife and the kind, loving way they deal with their children, it is a witness for Christ.
So if you marry, it should not be for self-centered fulfillment. The idea of getting married and settling down in suburbia with your nice home, two cars, a good job, weekend recreational hobbies, and, of course, a church for the weekends when you’re not doing something else, is worldly. While marriage and children are good gifts from God that bring great joy and happiness, you should marry because you can better serve Christ in line with your spiritual gifts as a married person. All Christians are to seek first God’s kingdom and righteousness. If you get married to seek first your own happiness, you’ll come up empty (Matt. 6:33; 16:25).
When I was single, Paul’s words (v. 9), “Let them marry,” often frustrated me. He makes it sound so simple! Okay, so how do I go about doing that? There’s a lot of living packed into those three words! I don’t have specific chapter and verse for everything I’m about to say, but along with the apostle Paul (v. 25), I give my opinion “as one who, by the mercy of the Lord, is trustworthy” (of course, Paul was inspired in saying this; I’m not!). Five suggestions:
You can use your time as a single person to sit around feeling depressed and lonely. Or, you can fill all your time with being around people. But I’m suggesting that you use some of your alone time to seek the Lord in His Word and in prayer. If you use your time to read and study God’s Word, to pray, to read good Christian books, and to serve the Lord in some capacity, when God introduces you to your life partner, you will be mature enough for the responsibilities of Christian marriage. If you want a godly mate, you’ve got to become the kind of person the kind of person you want to marry would want to marry, namely, a godly person!
When I was single and on active duty in the Coast Guard in the Bay Area of Northern California, I was very lonely. That area has a lot of temptations! But I spent many evenings sitting in a coffee shop or in the University of California library, reading the Bible and Christian books. On my way back to the base, I would pull off alongside the harbor and spend time praying. It was a lonely time in my life, but I was much better off than if I had yielded to the temptations of the flesh.
Burn it into your thinking: It is never God’s will for a Christian to become unequally yoked with a non-Christian in marriage (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14-18). For some reason, it is usually Christian women who get tangled up with “nice” (they’re always nice!) unbelieving men, rather than the other way around. I don’t care how nice he is, if he is not committed to Jesus Christ and if he is not denying himself daily to follow Christ, then you’ll be miserable being married to him. Your children will suffer. Your devotion to Christ will be hindered. Don’t do it!
As Paul writes (1 Cor. 6:18), “Flee immorality.” Your body belongs to God, whose Spirit dwells in you. Therefore, you are to glorify God in your body (1 Cor. 6:19-20). Paul says (1 Cor. 6:16) that even if a man gets involved with a harlot, he becomes one flesh with her. Having sex is more than just a physical union. Physical intimacy, even in a so-called “one night stand,” creates the illusion of personal intimacy. But it clouds and confuses the real issues that need to be the foundation of a Christian marriage. It creates guilt. It carries the risk of STD’s. It defiles you and your brother or sister in Christ. As Paul states (1 Cor. 7:1-5), the sexual relationship is proper in marriage, but only in marriage.
To guard your moral purity in our sex-saturated society, you’ve got to plan for it. If you visit the Grand Canyon and don’t want to fall over the edge, plan not to go near the cliff! If you want to guard your moral purity, plan not to get yourself into tempting situations. Garrison Keillor used to have the pastor in Lake Wobegon say in his talk on sexual purity, “If you didn’t want to go to Minneapolis, why did you get on the train?”
As a guy speaking to guys, don’t go out with a girl with the agenda of seeing how far you can go physically. Even if you don’t intend to go all the way, if your focus is on sex, you’re sinning. Your aim should be to build up your sister in Christ and to get to know her, not to indulge your lust. Plan for purity!
If you needed to shop for a new car, you’d probably do some research so that you wouldn’t spend a lot of money on a lemon. And yet many Christian singles never give any thought to what qualities they should be looking for in a godly mate! I’ve seen girls end up married to abusive men because they were looking for a macho, good-looking guy, not a man of God. If a man doesn’t treat you with respect, gentleness, self-sacrificing love, and other godly traits, don’t marry him. You’re not going to transform him! Study the deeds of the flesh so that you know which traits to avoid. Study the fruit of the Spirit so that you know which qualities to look for (Gal. 5:19-23). While no one is perfect, you want a person who is committed to growing in godliness.
By this I mean, God expects you to pray and wait on Him, but He also expects you to use appropriate means for finding a mate. Sometimes we get super-spiritual, thinking that God is going to rain down manna from heaven, when He expects us to plow our field and plant some seeds! There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself in situations where you may meet a godly mate. That can include involvement with a church college group or a campus ministry, attending a conference for Christian singles, or carefully using a Christian online dating service. I said, “Carefully!” I’m not saying that looking for a mate should be your only reason for going to a church college group. But it can be one reason!
Also, even though godly character should be primary, it’s not unspiritual to be physically attracted to someone. Read the Song of Solomon; the lovers there aren’t extolling the finer points of each other’s spirituality! In its proper place, there’s nothing wrong with physical attraction.
Also, don’t be so super-spiritual that you overlook liking the person. You’re looking for a companion, and a lot of companionship involves liking the person’s personality. You should have some common interests and be able to enjoy just being together without having to do things. You should be able to accept the person as he or she is, without major remodeling. Also, seek the counsel of those who know you well, especially your parents. Any strong opposition from parents should be weighed very carefully.
So, if you can remain single and be devoted to the Lord, do it. If you’re not gifted for celibacy, pray and look for a godly mate.
Marriage is a wonderful gift from God. As Proverbs 31:10-12 exclaims, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” Amen! Next to Jesus, Marla is the best gift God has given me! And my children and grandchildren are right after that!
But at the same time, if God is not at the center of your life and your mate’s life, marriage will create more problems than it solves. Without the Lord at the center, marriage brings together two self-centered people expecting the other person to meet his or her needs. That doesn’t work. Put God at the center of your life. Pray that He will bring you a mate with the same commitment. Then joyfully follow Him together.
Psychologist William Marston once asked 300 people, “What do you have to live for?” Nine out of ten were simply waiting for something to happen—a better job, a new house, a trip, etc. They were putting in time while they waited for an uncertain tomorrow.
But as Christians, our mentality should be that of 1 Corinthians 7:29-31: the time is short and eternity is just ahead. Our focus should be on the Lord and His kingdom. If He graciously gives you the blessings of a Christian marriage, enjoy it thankfully. But don’t put your hopes for fulfillment in a family. Hope in the Lord! Whether you’re single or married, your purpose should never be to seek self-fulfillment. Rather, your purpose should be to pursue a course that leads to the greatest devotion to Christ and His cause in these days that remain before His coming.
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
November 19, 2017
It happens again and again, all across America. A couple meets. Something “clicks.” A romance begins. They fall in love. As they stand at the front of the church pledging their lives to one another, family and friends look on with beaming smiles. Everyone agrees that they are such a perfect couple.
But at some point after this idyllic scene, problems hit. The couple discovers that they are not as compatible as they had thought. The romance fades. Conflicts grow more intense and frequent. They finally conclude that they are no longer in love and go their separate ways, hoping to find someone the next time around who will be more compatible. And it doesn’t just happen to movie stars; it happens in evangelical churches.
But the problem is rarely a lack of compatibility—no two people are compatible. The problem is not working at solving conflicts God’s way, or not being willing to follow God’s way. Every married couple will have conflicts. A good marriage isn’t one where two compatible people never have conflicts; a good marriage is one where two self-willed people have learned to deny self, submit to Christ, and work out their differences in Christian love. You will have a God-glorifying, satisfying marriage to the degree that you learn to solve your conflicts God’s way. You don’t need to find a more compatible mate as much as you need to learn how to become a more compatible mate.
In Ephesians 4:17-32, Paul gives some principles for solving conflicts. (For more in depth on these verses, see my nine messages in the Ephesians series.) His context is relationships in the church, but these verses apply to solving family conflicts. To sum up...
To resolve conflicts God’s way, put off the behavior of the old man and put on the behavior of the new man, walking by the Holy Spirit.
The main source of conflicts is our old man (old nature, flesh). Paul describes our old way of life (vv. 17-19) as futile in mind, spiritually darkened, alienated from God, ignorant, hard of heart, callous, given over to sensuality and impurity, and greedy. But now, there is to be a distinct difference between how we used to live as unbelievers and how we now live as believers. We are to lay aside the “old man,” be renewed in the spirit of our minds, and put on the “new man,” “which, in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth (vv. 22-24).
Some scholars say that believers do not have an old nature, but just a new nature, and that our propensity toward sin comes from the flesh. I fail to see any biblical distinction between the old nature and the flesh. Whatever you call it, there is, even in believers, a strong, inner disposition to do what we want rather than what God wants (James 4:1). When we live under the domination of the old nature (= old man, or flesh), the result will be conflicts.
There are other factors which, when coupled with our sin nature, can lead to conflicts: Husbands and wives are different genders. We come from different family backgrounds. We’ve had different life experiences. We have different habits, different convictions and values, and different ways of doing things. But with all these factors, the underlying reason for conflicts is our self-seeking “old man,” living to gratify itself.
When you experienced the new birth, a radical change took place: You became a new person in Christ. Your bent toward sin was not eradicated, but God created your new man in righteousness and holiness of the truth (Eph. 4:24). The power of the old man was broken. Positionally, you took off the dirty clothes of the old man (v. 22) and put on the clean clothes of the new man (v. 24). As your mind is renewed by being conformed to God’s word (v. 23; Rom. 12:2), your behavior becomes progressively changed into the image of Jesus Christ. But now you must daily lay aside the old man (die to self) and put on the new man that you are in Christ. As Paul put it (Rom. 6:11), “Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”
Jesus was speaking about the same thing when He said (Luke 9:23): “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” To follow Jesus, there must be daily, repeated self-denial, putting self to death. There must be a daily, decisive break between the selfish way we used to live before we met Christ and how we now live in Him.
As you learn to believe what God says about you in Christ and to act upon it daily, your relationships, whether your mate or others, will improve, because selfishness is the main cause of relational conflicts. So the first step to solve conflicts God’s ways is to put off the old man. Repeat as often as necessary.
Ephesians 4:25: “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” Paul is aiming this command at relationships in the church (“members of one another”). But how much more does it apply to married partners, who are one flesh with each other! In all relationships there must be truthfulness for healthy communication to take place so that conflicts can be resolved.
At first blush, you may think, “That’s not my problem. I don’t lie; I’m honest.” But because we dislike confrontation, or we don’t want to cause trouble, or because we’re afraid that if our real feelings were revealed, the relationship might suffer, we often fail to speak the truth. I’ve counseled with wives who were ready to divorce their husbands. When I’ve asked if they’ve ever talked honestly with him about the problems, they say, “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that! He’d explode!” So they’d rather divorce him than speak truthfully to him about the problems in their relationship!
Paul uses the analogy of the body here. If the nerves in your foot don’t communicate truthfully with your brain, you won’t be able to walk properly. For relational healing and correction to take place, there must be truthful communication. Your mate can’t deal with a problem he’s not aware of. To plaster over your feelings or thoughts and put on a happy face when there is a problem does not foster healthy relationships. Rather, as Paul says (v. 15), the body will only be healthy when we speak the truth in love.
I’m not suggesting that a couple be ruthlessly honest in sharing everything. I once counseled with a young couple where the husband would tell his wife every time he had a lustful thought about another woman. His comments were making his poor wife feel insecure in their relationship. I told him to judge his sinful thoughts before the Lord and be done with it. To share his every lustful thought with his wife was not seeking her highest good.
A general rule is to ask whether a problem is damaging your relationship. To avoid talking about a matter that is hindering your relationship is not to speak the truth. But to be brutally honest or to blast the other person because that’s just how you feel, is not to speak the truth in love. Your goal should always be to foster mutual understanding and love. To resolve conflicts, speak the truth.
Ephesians 4:26-27: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” In a section dealing with proper relationships, you may wonder whether Paul meant to say, “Don’t be angry and sin.” This verse has elicited a number of explanations. We need to start by recognizing that righteous anger is Christlike (Mark 3:5). Jesus was angry and grieved at the Pharisees’ hardness of heart. There is something worse than anger in relationships, namely, indifference. If you care deeply for someone, and he is repeatedly sinning, his sin should make you righteously angry. Indifference shows that you don’t love.
Paul cites Psalm 4:4 (LXX) to say, “Be angry enough so that you don’t indifferently shrug off someone’s sin, but be careful so that your righteous anger doesn’t boil over into sinful anger.” And, don’t let it fester for days on end. Deal with it and put it aside, so that you don’t let the devil get a foothold in your life. That’s the proper sense of verses 26 & 27 as I understand it.
In other words, anger that flares up because I did not get my way or because someone has offended me, is sinful. Anger that blows up is not righteous because it is not under control. We are to be slow to anger (James 1:19) because God is slow to anger (Exod. 34:6). Anger that clams up and does not confront a problem, but just goes into a slow burn, turning into bitterness and hatred, is sinful because it’s acting on the basis of self, not for the purpose of seeking love and reconciliation. Righteous anger is motivated by the knowledge that sin damages people. Its motive is restoration of the sinner and reconciliation of the relationship out of the desire for God to be glorified. It attacks the problem, not the person.
So we have to be careful. Righteous anger should motivate us to deal with the sin of someone we love. But it’s easy to cross the line from righteous anger (v. 26) to sinful anger (v. 31). It’s easy to justify selfish anger as righteous, when it’s not. But it’s also easy to back off from anger and become indifferent: “If he wants to destroy himself, that’s his problem! I couldn’t care less!” That’s also sin, because it’s motivated by selfishness. Self-sacrificing love becomes righteously angry enough to take the initiative for reconciliation by confronting sin, but it’s careful to avoid sinful anger.
Ephesians 4:28: “He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need.” Paul is not talking here about marriage, of course. He’s talking about the need for Christians to be honest, hard-working people who are oriented toward giving, not taking. But the context is healthy relationships. There is a principle here that applies to resolving conflicts in any relationship. The old man is motivated by selfishness, out to get what he can for himself. He looks out for his own needs and isn’t concerned about others’ needs, except to exploit them for his own benefit. But you can never resolve conflicts if both parties are trying to exploit or to enrich themselves at the other’s expense.
But the new man is not lazy or self-centered. He works hard in order to give to others. He looks out for the needs of his mate and tries to meet those needs, even if it requires hard work. He’s not in the relationship for what he can take, but for what he can give. Instead of complaining, “My mate isn’t meeting my needs,” he asks, “How can I meet my mate’s needs?”
A main reason that many couples can’t resolve their differences is that they are thieves in their marriage. They rob their partners of love and respect. They don’t give their time or themselves. They want their relationship to be 50-50, and they feel as if they’re not getting their fair share. Replacing selfishness with giving is a key to resolving conflicts. With both partners looking out for the needs of the other and willing to give 100 percent, they can arrive at mutually agreeable solutions.
Ephesians 4:29: “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” Destructive speech that tears down the other person will not resolve conflicts. Proverbs 12:18 states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” In other words, your tongue can be a sword to wound and kill, or it can be a scalpel to deal carefully with the problem and bring healing.
“Unwholesome [lit. rotten] speech” includes: Name-calling, sarcasm, ridicule, mockery, gossip, slander, blaming, destructive criticism, angry words of threat or revenge, griping, complaining, lying, profanity, and filthy talk or dirty jokes. Words whose purpose is to wound, not heal, must be put off.
We are not just to hold our tongue, however. We are to replace destructive words with words that build up the other person at his point of need; and not because he deserves it, but because our God is gracious, and thus we are to be gracious in our speech. (Grace is undeserved favor.) There is a proper place for criticism or correction, but it should aim at helping, not hurting your mate. Your motive should be to help your mate grow to maturity in Christ. Correction should always be done in gentleness (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:24-26). Our goal should never be to win. We want God to win by being glorified as we both submit to Him. I advise you to memorize Ephesians 4:29. It will help you daily to put off rotten speech and to put on gracious words that build up your mate.
Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Six behaviors of the old man must be put off: Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. All these terms describe the same selfish, sinful behavior from slightly different angles. Bitterness results from anger or hurt feelings which are not dealt with. It results from blaming or keeping score. Bitterness is long-term hostility. Wrath (from a word meaning “to boil”) refers to outbursts of anger. Anger refers to a settled disposition or attitude, often with the purpose of revenge.
Clamor means fighting with loud words, yelling, screaming or crying. Sometimes angry people yell to intimidate, or they use emotional outbursts to try to manipulate. In either case, it’s selfish behavior aimed at getting one’s own way. Slander means speaking against someone to another, trying to damage the person’s reputation so that you look good. Malice is a general term for any kind of ill-will toward a person. It means “having it in” for someone; you want to see him brought down. It’s the opposite of self-sacrificing love, which seeks to build up the other person.
All these actions of the old man hinder resolving conflicts. They are motivated by self and thus opposed to love. Thus they must be put off like dirty clothes. In their place, we can resolve conflicts if we put on the behaviors of the new man that we have become in Christ:
Kindness is the opposite of being harsh. The word has the nuance of being useful. A kind person thinks of the other person’s needs and takes action to meet those needs. A kind husband allows his wife and children room to make mistakes without crawling all over them. He gives them time to grow and change. To be tender-hearted (cf. 1 Pet. 3:8) means to feel deeply for one another. Love cares and shows it.
Forgiving one another. The Greek word points to undeserved favor. How God in Christ forgave you is the standard. He didn’t forgive you because you deserved it. As Jesus taught in His parable in Matthew 18:21-35, God has forgiven us an enormous debt, so that anything we forgive one another is small by way of comparison. Forgiveness is costly and difficult; but not forgiving is not an option for Christians (Matt. 6:14-15). Family members need to keep short accounts with one another. If you’re wrong, ask for forgiveness; if you were wronged, forgive in your heart even before the other person repents, and grant it verbally the instant they ask you to forgive them.
To resolve conflicts, daily put off the selfish behaviors of the old man and put on the loving behaviors of the new man. This opens the door for helpful communication and problem solving. But I skipped a verse. It is undoubtedly the key to solving conflicts in the family or with other Christians:
Ephesians 4:30: “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” It’s significant that in the middle of a passage dealing with relationships, Paul mentions grieving the Holy Spirit! The sins Paul deals with here grieve the Holy Spirit: deception (v. 25), indifference (v. 26), stealing (v. 28), rotten speech (v. 29), bitterness, wrath, anger, yelling, slander, and malice (v. 31).
This implies several things. First, our motive for wanting harmonious relationships is not just so that we can live happily. Our motive should be not to grieve the Holy Spirit or, to put it positively, to please and glorify God. The Holy Spirit is a person who can be grieved, not an impersonal force. At salvation, He sealed us for the day of redemption. The Spirit Himself is the seal, God’s personal mark of ownership on us. If we don’t have the Spirit indwelling us, we do not belong to Christ (Rom. 8:9). The reason we must seek to put off the behavior of the old man and put on the behavior of the new man in our relationships is that we want to please the indwelling Spirit. In other words, we don’t want to strain our relationship with Him.
Also, this verse implies that we can’t separate our relationship with God and our relationships with one another. John says that if we say we love God, but we do not love our brother, we’re deceived (1 John 4:20). This means that if you claim to be a Christian, but you’re living for self, shredding relationships with your family and in the church, you need to examine your relationship with God. At best, you’re grieving the Holy Spirit; at worst, you may not be saved.
The way to put off the old man, or deeds of the flesh, and to grow in the fruit of the Spirit is to walk by the Spirit (Gal. 5:16): “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.” To walk by the Spirit is to depend upon Him moment by moment. This means that to solve conflicts in your marriage, you need to cultivate your relationship with God through His Word. As you examine your life by the Word, you’ll learn what pleases the Lord and you’ll grow more sensitive to what grieves Him. Sins like dishonesty, indifference, selfishness, abusive speech, and anger will convict your conscience as you realize how they grieve the Lord. So you’ll replace them with truthfulness, caring confrontation, giving, words that build up, and kindness.
The poet Ogden Nash has a wise bit of verse: “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, when you’re wrong admit it, when you’re right, shut up.”
If there’s frequent conflict in your home, examine yourself (not your mate!). Are you putting off the selfish behavior of the old man and putting on the Christlike behavior of the new man out of a desire to please the Lord who gave Himself on the cross so that you could be forgiven? The bad news is: Yes, you, your spouse and children are incompatible! The good news is: You can resolve conflicts God’s way by putting off the selfish, old way of life and by putting on the new life He has graciously given you.
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
November 26, 2017
When Arthur Gordon was 13 and his brother was 10, their father had promised to take them to the circus. But while he was home for lunch there was a phone call. Some urgent business required his attention at work. The two boys braced themselves for the disappointment. But then they heard their father say, “No, I won’t be there. It will have to wait.”
When he came back to the table, his wife smiled and said, “The circus keeps coming back, you know.” “I know,” said the wise father, “but childhood doesn’t.” (Source unknown)
We have three grown children and (as of this date) 13 grandchildren. I can report that their childhood goes by quickly! Don’t get distracted with your job or other matters and miss the opportunities to spend a lot of time with your children while you can.
I want to give a simple, one-sentence principle that will help you nurture your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). I realize that the focus of this message is somewhat narrow, since many of you do not have children or your children are already grown. But the subject is important for us all. Our children are the future of the church and our nation. So even if you’re not currently rearing children, how others do it will affect you. Parents need God’s wisdom so that they can do the job effectively. If you don’t have children at home, perhaps God can use you to share this message with those who do.
I begin with a presupposition that I’m bringing to this topic. Almost all of you will agree with this presupposition in theory, but probably many of you violate it in practice. It is this: Scripture is sufficient to equip us as good parents. Scripture is adequate to equip us for every good work (2 Tim. 3:16-17). Surely that includes the work of rearing our children properly! But at first glance, it may seem that the Bible is lacking in specific techniques concerning this vital topic. In Ephesians 6:4 (NASB), Paul gives us a grand total of 20 (English) words on how to rear our children: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” That’s it!
But we err if we think that technique is the key to raising children. Christian books and seminars give us the right techniques. While some of this may be helpful, technique is not the key to rearing children. True godliness and the wisdom found in God’s Word is the key. The Bible was written to teach us how to love God and love one another.
So I encourage you to reject a lot of the so-called “wisdom” that has flooded into the church in recent years through psychology. Parents now look to Christian psychologists as the experts in how to raise their children. But the problem is, these “experts” dispense a lot of anti-biblical nonsense, such as, “building your child’s self-esteem,” as if it comes from Scripture. But the Bible clearly teaches that your child’s innate esteem for himself is the problem, not the goal! So challenge everything (including my words today) by comparing it with the Bible.
I’m going to state one sentence that governs all child rearing and then discuss some goals and ways to achieve those goals as parents. Child rearing made simple is:
As our heavenly Father relates to us as His children, so we should relate to our children.
Ephesians 5:1: “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.” Our heavenly Father has a goal to conform His children to the image of Christ (Rom. 8:28-29). His Word gives us the two great commandments that move us toward that goal.
As parents, we need to stay focused on the objective: To see our kids grow up to love God with all their hearts, and to love others as they daily submit their thoughts, words, and deeds to the Lord Jesus Christ. There are several components of this goal:
This is foundational to all else! You need to understand that when your child makes a decision to “invite Jesus into his heart” (which is not a biblical approach to true conversion) he may or may not be genuinely converted to Christ. Many Christian parents are too quick to say, “He invited Jesus into his heart,” so “once saved, always saved.” But the crucial question is, “Was he truly saved?” Did God change his heart? Jesus said that you can tell a good or bad tree by its fruit (Matt. 7:16-20). Fruit takes time to grow. So, look for signs of genuine conversion in your child: a hunger for God through His Word; repentance and a sensitive conscience toward sin; a desire to please God; and, growing love for others.
This is a lifelong process, of course. But your goal is to get your kids to have a God-ward focus in their lives. They are accountable primarily to God, not to you. They must learn that their disobedience and sin displeases Him. They need to learn to please God with every thought, word, and deed. As soon as they’re old enough, help them establish a quiet time (but don’t force them to do it!). Help them memorize Scripture. Help them evaluate various activities by the question, “Does it please God?”
Part of growing in godliness is developing godly character qualities. Hebrews 12:10 says that God disciplines (trains) us so that we may share His holiness. Seek to train your children to share God’s holiness. Teach them about the fruit of the Spirit; God’s standards of moral purity, including modest attire; how to deal with trials with joy and thanksgiving; and, how to have a servant-attitude instead of a selfish outlook. Attitudes are important, not just outward behavior, since God is concerned about our hearts.
As Christians, we should take the doctrine of the fall seriously. This means that children, by nature, are self-centered and proud. While we should encourage and commend them when they do well, they do not need to develop more self-esteem, which is a subtle form of pride. They don’t need to be taught to believe in themselves. They need encouragement to grow in humility and servanthood. Since as sinners, we’re all rebellious at heart, kids need to learn submission to proper authority as a part of godliness.
Practicing the second great commandment, loving our neighbor as we do in fact love ourselves, begins in the home. Our kids need to learn what biblical love is (as opposed to worldly love; 1 Cor. 13:4-7; 1 John 3:16-18; 4:7-21). They need to learn how to resolve conflicts God’s way, as opposed to the world’s way (Eph. 4:25-32; 1 Pet. 3:8-12). They need to learn how to speak in a manner that builds up rather than tears down others (Eph. 4:29). They need to learn how to be discerning in choosing friends who will not drag them into the world (1 Cor. 15:33; 2 Cor. 6:14-7:1). They need to learn how to evangelize, disciple, and encourage other kids in the Lord. Much of this they learn by your example, as they watch how their dad and mom relate to each other.
Kids need certain skills to be able to function as adults. These include domestic duties, such as cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and shopping. They need to learn proper hygiene and care of the body through nutrition, rest, exercise, etc. They should learn how to drive a car and maintain it. (I’m not saying that every teen needs to learn how to change the oil, but they do need to learn that the oil needs changing!)
They should learn to take care of and respect the possessions and property God has given to them, and to respect others’ property. Teach them the biblical truth that they are managers, not owners, of the finances that God entrusts to them. This includes earning money (how to get a job and be good workers), budgeting, spending, and giving. They need to learn about checking accounts, investing, and the dangers of debt and greed. Teach them a biblical outlook on how to be resourceful and live simply. Also, teach them how to manage their time so as to be responsible in completing their various duties at school and at home. They need to learn how to balance work and leisure time.
So, these are our goals, under the overall goal of helping our kids grow in love for God and others as they grow in submission to the lordship of Christ. Overwhelming, isn’t it? How do we do it? I can’t say it all, of course. But here are a few biblical principles.
That is biblical child rearing in one sentence. Does God love us in spite of our many shortcomings and sins? Then we should love our children and not withdraw our love as a means of punishment. Is God gracious to us? Then we should be gracious to our children. Does God patiently correct us for our good, so that we may share His holiness? Then we should do the same for our children. But I want to emphasize a few things. First, some good news and some bad news: The good news is…
The bad news is, “Your example is the primary means for training your children.” Your kids will learn far more from your life than from your lectures, especially if your lectures aren’t in line with your life. God, of course, is our example (Eph. 5:1), especially the Lord Jesus Christ. You are either a good or not so good example to your children. If they see you loving God with all your heart and having His Word on your heart continually, then they are more likely to catch the same love for God (Deut. 6:4-9).
It’s crucial to instill an atmosphere of joy in the Lord in your home, so that it permeates everything. Children should learn by watching you that the Christian life is a joyful life, full of hope, even in the midst of trials (Rom. 5:3-5; 15:13). Your kids won’t learn this by your lectures or by laying a bunch of rules on them. They learn it by watching your example, especially during trials.
Not only must you model loving God and joy in the Lord, but also loving others (which is often more difficult than loving God!). It’s especially important that you show consistent, faithful love and respect for your mate. If you are divorced from your kids’ father (or mother), you still should show respect for him, even if you must carefully speak out against his way of life. If you’re bitter towards him, you’ll poison your kids (Heb. 12:15). They need to see you living the Christian life every day. This doesn’t imply perfection, but it does imply reality with God and the humility of confessing your sins and seeking forgiveness when you’re wrong.
How is God described in the Bible? When He revealed Himself to Moses (Exod. 34:6-7), He proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.” God is loving and gracious, but He also punishes sin, sometimes severely (Rom. 11:22)! But toward His children, God’s main mode of action is His tender love and abundant goodness (Ps. 103:13): “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.”
Negatively, this means that there is never any place for any form of child abuse. There should never be any verbal abuse (put-downs, name calling, cursing, threats to harm, etc.); no physical abuse (hitting your children just to vent your anger is sin); and never, never any sexual abuse!
Positively, your actively demonstrated love for your kids is the necessary foundation for any discipline that you must administer. Proverbs 3:12: “Whom the Lord loves, He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights.” Delighting in your kids means that you like them and treat them that way. You show delight for your kids with your eyes, with kind and loving words, by listening, by welcoming them into your presence, and by proper physical affection. They aren’t a bother or interruption to your schedule. If you’ve not taken the time to play with your children, to read to them, to listen to and talk with them, to give them proper affection through words and appropriate touch, then you have no basis for disciplining them. Grace and love are the foundation for discipline.
Proverbs 1:7: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” Proper respect for God is at the heart of a relationship with Him. Likewise, God has given parents authority over their children, and the children must learn to obey their parents (Eph. 6:1-3). Respect comes through loving discipline (Heb. 12:9): “We had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them.” Parents need to understand and practice several things with regard to proper discipline.
(1) Teach your children to obey, and the sooner you start, the better. When they’re very young, deal with behavior, since that’s all they understand; as soon as possible, deal with attitudes as well (since God demands that we have the proper attitude). Don’t let them disrespect your authority by hitting you or sassing you.
(2) Your child’s good, not your selfishness or anger, must be the basis for your correction. If you’re just venting your anger by yelling at or hitting your child, you’re sinning. You must discipline as God does (Heb. 12:10), “for our good, that we may share His holiness.” Biblical love; not your embarrassment, frustration, or need to control your child, is the only basis for discipline. Don’t take their disobedience personally. They’re sinners, disobeying God by disobeying their parents. God has put you in the middle to train them to obey Him. But you’ll thwart the process if you take their disobedience personally. They need loving correction.
(3) Discipline your children consistently. We tend to get lazy. It’s a hassle to give correction and discipline, so we don’t do it consistently. As a result, kids don’t know whether they’re going to get away with murder one day or get nailed for some minor offense the next. Never threaten anything out of proportion to the offense. And never threaten anything you can’t or don’t plan to carry out. You shouldn’t yell, unless it’s for their safety or the only way to get their attention. But you do need to be firm and consistent. God carries out His word (Gal. 6:7); so should we.
(4) Distinguish between immaturity and defiance. If a three-year-old is acting three, you may have to train or correct, but you should treat him differently than if he is being defiant. If a child is defiant, first warn him and talk to him about it. If he persists, it’s time to apply the paddle (“rod” in Proverbs) to his behind. But, you need to be careful to do it in the proper manner. Don’t spank your child if you are not in control of your anger. Some Christians take the “spare the rod and spoil the child” passages (Prov. 13:24; 22:15; 23:13, 14; 29:15) as the primary method for disciplining children. A popular Christian pamphlet encourages parents to apply the rod, even to older children, for the slightest disobedience or even if the child hesitates before obeying. But if God dealt with us like that, life would be a perpetual spanking! Loving verbal correction should be the primary method, especially with older children. Discipline should always be in proportion to the wrongdoing.
With a toddler or young child, saying no and spanking his hand or bottom if he does not obey can be the most effective means of communicating that you mean business. As a child grows in his ability to reason, you talk with him. You give him time to make the right decision to follow the Lord, just as God gives you time to grow. If you properly train a child to respect and obey you when he is young, usually you won’t have a rebel later. Many parents allow their young children to disobey, but then as they become teenagers, they lay on the rules. That’s backwards. Teach them to obey when they’re young. Then you can relax the rules as a child grows in maturity and submission to the lordship of Christ.
Many Christian parents try to force their children to excel so that the kids will make the parents look good, so that the parents can boast in their children. Of course we should encourage our children to work heartily as unto the Lord (Col. 3:23) and to be all that God has gifted them to be. But they are not you! They are unique human beings, created and gifted by God who will direct them in His perfect paths. If your child grows up to become a godly garbage truck driver, that’s better than for him to grow up to become a worldly doctor or corporation president.
Your children primarily belong to God, who has uniquely made them for His purposes (Ps. 139). He entrusts them to your care for a short while. Your job is to train and release them into His service. Psalm 127:4 describes them as arrows. Arrows are designed to shoot at the enemy, not to hold on to.
So your task is to train your children to be godly and to follow wherever the Lord directs them. As they grow older, you feed them more responsibility and gradually release them unto Him. Since each child is different, don’t treat them all the same. Some are ready for responsibility sooner than others are.
Minimize rules and maximize loving God and others. Don’t get hung up with petty, legalistic issues and miss the main thing. Your main goal is to get your child to live daily under the lordship of Jesus Christ, seeking to please Him. Some well-meaning Christian parents get hung up about external things, such as current fads and styles. But those things come and go. If your son is running with the wrong crowd, that’s a major concern. Or if your daughter is dressing in sensual clothing, that needs to be dealt with. But be careful to major on the majors, so that you don’t drive your child from the Lord over petty issues.
A grandson visiting his grandmother said, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” She was mentally polishing her halo as she replied, “No, how are we alike?” He replied, “You’re both old!”
Let’s hope that as parents, we have more in common with God than just being old! Let’s hope that we’re growing in godliness. If you’re still in the process of rearing children, remember the key proposition: As our heavenly Father relates to us as His children, so we must relate to our children.
You say, “That’s impossible!” True, we’ll never do it perfectly. Thank God for His abundant grace that covers all our sin! If you’ve badly failed as a parent, I encourage you to return to the Lord, who promises to pardon abundantly (Isa. 55:6-7). Plead with Him in prayer for your children, even after they’re adults. Paul Miller (A Praying Life [NavPress], p. 168) observes, “It is surprising how seldom books on parenting talk about prayer.” Being a parent should drive you to prayer! Our goal—to relate graciously and lovingly to our children as our Father in heaven relates to us—requires much prayer! May He be gracious to you according to His promise (Eph. 3:20-21): “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church [and in your family!] and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”
(See separate handout on Biblical Character Qualities and Life Skills and Key Verses for Parents)
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
December 3, 2017
Many years ago, Marla and I used to enjoy the TV series, “Little House on the Prairie.” One of my favorite episodes was when Charles and Carolyn (the father and mother) left their farm on the prairie to travel to Milwaukee for a 25-year high school class reunion. They discovered that most of their old friends had become wealthy and sophisticated. The simple Charles and Carolyn didn’t fit in with the high-society, well-to-do crowd.
But while their friends were well off financially and appeared successful, it also was apparent that they had unhappy marriages and empty lives. At the end of the program, as Charles and Carolyn returned to their humble little farm, their children bounded out of the house, delighted to welcome them home with hugs. Charles remarked to Carolyn, “Now if that’s not success, I don’t know what is!”
“Amen!” In America, we wrongly view success in terms of money, fame, or career success. But God views success in terms of godly, loving family relationships. Our text tells us not only how to raise up godly children, but also godly grandchildren (Deut. 6:2). So our goal and prayer should be that our godly children raise godly children who in turn raise godly children. It’s the principle of 2 Timothy 2:2: “The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.” There are four generations there: Paul, Timothy, faithful men, and others also. That multi-generational discipleship process should take place in our families.
So how can we, as Christian parents, raise up godly generations? Moses preached Deuteronomy 6 to Israel as they prepared to enter the land of Canaan. They would face many temptations in the land. They would be surrounded by pagans. His point is:
To raise up godly generations, love God fervently, teach your children diligently, and live in the world carefully.
Then it will be “well with you” (Deut. 6:3) under God’s blessing.
Deuteronomy 6:4-6: “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.”
The most important requirement for raising godly generations is for you to have personal reality with God. You cannot pass on to your children what you do not possess. This requires two things:
Verse 4 is called the “Shema” (from the Hebrew, “Hear”). This is the central tenet of Judaism, recited daily by devout Jews. The call to hear implies that the following words are very important and must be obeyed. What we are to hear is, “Yahweh is our God; Yahweh is one.” It can also be translated, “Yahweh is our God; Yahweh alone.” It means that Yahweh and only Yahweh is the true and living God, and He alone is to be the object of our worship. As the Lord proclaims (Isa. 45:5), “I am the Lord, and there is no other; besides Me there is no God.” He is one God who exists in three co-equal, co-eternal persons, as implied in several places in the Old Testament, and made explicit in the New.
For example, in Isaiah 48:16, Messiah says, “And now the Lord God has sent Me, and His Spirit.” There are three divine persons there. In Genesis 1, we see God creating the heavens and the earth, with the Spirit of God involved in the process. God uses the plural pronoun (Gen. 1:26), “Let Us make man in Our image.” (See, also, Gen. 3:22; 11:7; Ps. 45:6-7; 110:1 compared with Matt. 22:41-45; Isa.6:8; 9:6; 42:1.) The New Testament clearly reveals that Jesus, who is God, was actively involved in the creation of all things (John 1:1-3; Col. 1:16; Heb. 1:2-3). In Revelation 1:8, the Lord God says, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.” In Revelation 22:13, Jesus says, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” Jesus is the Lord God!
The only way to know this triune God is by His revelation to us of Himself through His Word. He is unchangeable in His attributes and perfect in all His ways. We don’t learn about Him through philosophy, mystical experiences, or subjective feelings, but only through His written Word, which Moses emphasizes here (v. 1, “commandment, statutes, judgments”; v. 6, “these words”).
We are not only to know this Almighty God, but also we are to love Him (v. 5). Jesus (Matt. 22:37-38) identified loving God as “the great and foremost commandment” in Scripture. It’s not enough to know about God through His Word, although that is foundational (you can’t love a God you don’t know). Also, you must love Him with your total being. This means entering into a personal relationship with God through saving faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. But like any relationship, you have to maintain and deepen it by spending time alone with the Lord each day, reading and studying the Bible with the constant prayer, “Lord, help me to know You better through Your Word!” That should be your number one priority. Personally knowing and loving God is the foundation for raising up godly generations after you.
Moses says (Deut. 6:5-6), “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.” The idea of “heart, soul, and might” (Jesus adds “mind,” Matt. 22:37) is total-person love for God. Every area of our being must be consumed with and subservient to this great quest of loving God. A personal relationship with God is essential. Jesus condemned the Pharisees because, although they were very religious and honored God with their lips, their hearts were far from Him (Mark 7:6-8). They kept their religious rituals, but lacked a love relationship with God. If we’re not careful, it’s easy to fall into going through the motions of being Christians outwardly, but all the while, we’re not loving God on the heart level.
Loving God is not just a matter of having warm feelings about Him, although we should feel love for Him. Genuine love for God results in obedience to His Word. As Jesus said (John 14:21), “He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him.” (See, also, John 14:23; 15:10, 14; 1 John 5:3.) Genuine Christianity is growing to know God better through His Word and obeying Him more and more, beginning on the heart or thought level, motivated by His great love for us as seen at the cross.
Someone once accused me of being “legalistic.” When I asked why he said that, he replied, “Because you preach obedience.” If preaching obedience is legalism, then Jesus and the entire New Testament is legalistic! Obedience can be legalistic when people obey out of pride to look good before others, while their hearts are far from God. Some Jews, for example, obeyed verses 8 and 9 literally. They took pride in wearing these verses in little boxes strapped to their hands and foreheads, and putting them in boxes by their doors and on their gateposts. But they missed the intent of the passage, which is that God’s Word is to permeate every area of life. The results were ultimately disastrous, because it was the Pharisees, who outwardly kept the law to the letter, who killed their Messiah who preached the need for inward reality with God.
If we say that we know and love God, but don’t obey His commandments, we’re either deceived or lying (1 John 2:3; 5:3). And obedience must begin on the heart level, by judging our sinful thoughts, since all sin begins in our hearts (Mark 7:21-23).
Here’s how this applies to raising our children in the Lord: Religiosity won’t do; you’ve got to be walking with God with reality on the heart level. Kids can smell hypocrisy from a mile away! If you’re often angry and yell at your kids at home, but then put on your “Christian” front when you go to church, your kids will conclude, “If that’s Christianity, I don’t need it!” If your kids see you and your wife angrily yelling at each other and not resolving conflicts in a godly way, but then you go to church and posture yourselves as an exemplary Christian family, your kids conclude that Christianity is just a religious game that doesn’t affect real life.
Or, if you don’t show the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) toward your family, but then lay a bunch of legalistic rules on your kids so that they will look like “good Christians” to the rest of the church, your kids will eventually rebel against you and against the Lord. I’m not saying that you have to be perfect. I am saying that when you lose your temper or do not display the fruit of the Spirit towards your family, you need to confess your sin to them and ask forgiveness. That shows them what a genuine walk with God looks like. They can see that you really walk with God and are seeking to be more conformed to Jesus Christ.
So if you want to teach your children to follow God, you’ve got to love God fervently. His Word must be on your heart. Fight lukewarmness like the plague! Pray constantly that you won’t lose your first love for Jesus Christ. If your kids see you walking in reality with God daily, loving His Word, applying it to your life, and growing in the fruit of the Spirit, your love for God will be infectious. That’s the foundation for raising godly generations.
Deuteronomy 6:7: “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” “Teach diligently” in Hebrew means literally to sharpen or whet. Your teaching should penetrate your child deeply so that it has an effect on him (the NIV translates it “impress”). You come at it from every angle and in every situation. As mentioned, the Hebrews came to take verses 8 and 9 literally. But the idea rather is making God’s commandments central in your life so that you’re thinking about them all the time. This is an overflow of your own walk with God. If God’s Word is on your heart continually, then you’ll be talking about it constantly with your kids, applying it to real life situations.
Verse 7 assumes that you do, in fact, take the time to sit down in your house to talk with your family (with the TV off!). If you’re so busy as a family that you don’t all sit down to at least one meal a day on a regular basis, you need to change your schedules. At that time, try to read a portion of the Bible and spend a few minutes in prayer. When your children are young, keep it short and use the story parts of the Bible. As they get older, you can venture into more didactic portions, like Romans. Even though we did this for years with our kids, we still had to be diligent to keep at it. The phone invariably rings when we’re reading the Bible. Let it go to voicemail! Be diligent to teach your children!
Men, as the spiritual head of the family, it’s your responsibility to make sure that this happens! Many Christian fathers wrongly think that child rearing is the wife’s task. But most of the biblical commands are aimed at fathers. This also means that if you’re counting on Sunday school to train your children, you’re failing as a father. Sunday school is fine, but it’s no substitute for family times in God’s Word and prayer. Although I didn’t do it, I wish now that I had used a catechism with our kids. John Piper’s website (desiringGod.org) has a helpful one.
“When you walk by the way” implies teaching your kids when you go places together. It may be a trip to the grocery store or a family outing. Those are choice opportunities to talk about how people act and how Christians are to act. You can also point out God’s beauty through His creation. “When you lie down” points to bedtime as a great opportunity to talk with your children about their concerns and pray with them. “When you rise up” implies that mornings are another opportunity to teach your children. Teach them how to start the day off right with the Lord. Again, your example teaches a lot. If your kids are grumpy in the morning, show them and tell them how to begin the day with a cheerful heart, focused on God’s blessings.
Binding God’s commands on your hand (v. 8) means that you should teach your children God’s ways by your actions. Putting them on your forehead means that your thoughts and attitudes should communicate God’s truth. Putting them on the doorposts points to the home as a setting for teaching God’s truths. The gate points to civic or social life as another chance to talk about God. Discuss national and world events with your kids from God’s perspective. Moses is saying that everything you think and do, from home to the business world, should be permeated with God’s Word. Teach your children how the Word applies to every area of their lives as you live in a godly manner before them.
Also, answer your children’s questions about God and the Christian life (Deut. 6:20-25). When your son asks about spiritual things, don’t say, “Go ask your mother!” The fathers were to explain the great deliverance which God brought about for His people. The Old Testament exodus is a picture of God’s redemption at the cross in the New Testament. Dads, you should explain the great truths of salvation to your kids. Don’t respond to your kids’ questions by saying, “That’s just what we believe,” or, “Because I said so!” Your child needs to understand the “why” behind things as he grows older. If you don’t know the answer, admit it and do some research to find the answer.
Also, explain that God’s commands are for our good (Deut. 6:24). God gives many negative commands, but not because He is a heavenly killjoy. He cares for us and wants to bless us. Obedience is the way to experience His blessing. His commands are like the rules of the road. Those rules aren’t to take our fun away; they’re to keep us safe. If you run red lights and drive on the wrong side of the road, eventually you’ll get hurt and hurt others. So the godly father presents God’s truth and His commandments in this wholesome, helpful, explanatory way.
You want your kids to see both from your life and from your teaching that the Bible is a book that applies to every aspect of life. It tells us how to think and act, from the most private to the most public details of our lives. Teach that to your kids and always be open to their questions. To raise up godly generations, love God fervently and teach your children diligently. Finally,
Moses warns of the spiritual dangers that Israel will face when they settle into Canaan. It’s easy to drift into the ways of the world. These verses reveal two safeguards:
Deuteronomy 6:12: “Watch yourself, that you do not forget the Lord.” When times are good, a progression sets in: First, you become satisfied with your comfy life (v. 11); then, you forget the Lord (v. 12); finally, you follow the gods of the people who surround you (v. 14). It’s often easier to trust the Lord during hard times. If we faced the threat of being arrested for gathering as a church, everyone here would be actively trusting in the Lord. But since we currently are free to come to church, you don’t have to trust God to be here. When you’re struggling to make ends meet, you pray a lot. But when you’ve got plenty, you tend to take it for granted. If you’re not careful, you forget the Lord and then it’s easy to worship other gods.
You say, “Wait a minute! We’re Christians! We don’t worship false gods!” I have a coffee cup with a quote from John Calvin: “Man’s nature so to speak is a perpetual factory of idols.” First John (5:21) ends with the terse warning, “Little children, guard yourselves from idols.” It’s a danger!
What are some of the idols of the peoples who surround us? There’s the idol of affluence. We just had “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday,” when retailers try to get us to rack up credit card debt because we think we need more stuff to be happy. It’s easy to drift into worshiping the god of affluence rather than managing the resources that God has entrusted to you in light of His kingdom.
What about the idol of self? You follow this idol when you use the true God for the benefits He gives. When things go well, you worship Him. But when hard trials come along, you abandon Him. Israel treated God this way at Massah (Deut. 6:16; see Exod. 17:1-7). They grumbled because there wasn’t any water. They wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt rather than trust God to provide water. How you handle trials teaches your kids a lot about God! So continually watch yourself so that you don’t drift!
Another idol is sports. Jim Elliff (“When Ball Becomes Baal”) argues that many Christian families have made sports the household god. It controls them. They order their schedules around it. If the kids’ sports teams play on Sunday, the family skips church. After all, the team needs all the players! But what does this teach your kids about priorities? Or, if you spend hours every week watching game after game, but then don’t have time to read your Bible, pray, teach your kids God’s ways, or serve the Lord, maybe sports has become your idol. Watch yourself! It’s easy to forget the Lord and the great salvation He provided (Deut. 6:13)!
Deuteronomy 6:18: “You shall do what is right and good in the sight of the Lord.” Every aspect of life—your thoughts, attitudes, words, deeds, schedule, possessions—must be lived with a view toward pleasing the Lord. Your goal is to teach your kids to please God with all their lives. Ultimately, they have to answer to God. If you only teach them to obey you, then what happens when you’re not around? If you continually examine yourself and constantly focus on pleasing God in light of His Word, you won’t live like the Canaanites. You won’t seek the things they spend their lives going after. Your kids will see the reality of your love for God. They will want to follow Him too.
Bill Glass, an evangelist who counseled with prisoners almost every weekend for 25 years, said that among the thousands of prisoners he had met, not one of them genuinely loved his dad. Ninety-five percent of those on death row hated their fathers (in Dave Simmons, Dad, the Family Counselor [Thomas Nelson], p. 112).
Do solid Christian homes make a difference? In 1900, a man studied the descendants of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, the New England revival preacher, theologian, and president of Princeton University. Statistics vary slightly, but over 100 of his descendants became ministers, missionaries, and theological professors. Thirteen were university presidents; at least 65 were college professors. More than 100 were lawyers and judges. More than 60 were physicians. Eighty-six were state senators, three were state governors, three were U.S. Congressmen, one was the Comptroller of the U.S. Treasury, and one became Vice President of the United States.
We aren’t guaranteed of leaving such an impressive legacy. But we can make an impact for Christ on this world if we raise up godly generations by loving God fervently, teaching our children diligently, and living in the world carefully. If you’ve been negligent, thankfully the Lord allows U-turns! He is “abounding in riches for all who call upon Him” (Rom. 10:12).
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2017, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation
January 7, 2018
No one sets out deliberately to damage his or her marriage. We all want happy, satisfying marriages. But because we live in an evil world that subtly influences us more than we realize, many sincere Christian couples drift into a number of dangers that damage or sometimes destroy their marriages. While no marriage is perfect, when believers avoid the world’s ways and apply the wisdom of God’s Word in their marriages, their marriages will be healthy.
Keep in mind that the main goal of marriage is not our happiness, but rather God’s glory. Our marriages are a picture of Christ and His bride, the church (Eph. 5:32). We are to display to the world (and even to the angelic hosts, Eph. 3:10!) the faithful, holy love that Christ has for His church. And, as John Piper has often pointed out, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” And thus every Christian marriage must aim at being a God-glorifying marriage.
In the paragraph before he gives explicit commands to wives and husbands, Paul gives these general commands (Eph. 5:15-17): “Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” I’m not going to explain these verses in detail (for that, see my sermon, “Walking Wisely,” in the Ephesians series), but rather I’m going to apply them to marriage in a general way:
Because we live in evil times, avoid the world’s dangers and apply God’s wisdom to your marriage.
Some of these dangers are more deadly than others. If you fall into more than one, the damage is multiplied. Here are a “dirty dozen” worldly dangers that will damage your marriage:
Poor communication is one of the most prevalent causes of marital problems. It can take many different forms. In Ephesians 4:15, Paul says, “but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.” As the head, Christ is to be the Lord of all our communication. Before you speak, ask yourself, “Will my words be pleasing to the Lord Jesus Christ?” And, “Are my words both truthful and loving, with the aim of building up my mate in Christ?” To blast your mate because “that’s just how I feel,” may be truthful, but it’s not loving. To be dishonest about how you feel or not to say anything to avoid conflict may seem loving, but it’s not truthful, and will lead to long term distance in the relationship. For sake of time, I can’t say more here, but on the church website is a one-page resource, “Some Biblical Principles for Communication.”
Sinful anger is always destructive to healthy relationships. James 1:19-20 cautions, “But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” Paul commands (Eph. 4:29), “Let no unwholesome [lit. ‘rotten’] word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” Then he adds (Eph. 4:31), “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [yelling] and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Proverbs 15:1 states, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
All of those verses assume that you are able to control your anger if you choose to obey God. So the excuse, “I just have a short fuse,” won’t cut it! In the first “counseling” scene in the Bible, the Lord asks Cain (Gen. 4:6), “Why are you angry?” The Lord was not wondering about the answer to that question! He wanted Cain to examine his heart about the root cause of his anger. The root cause of all anger is selfishness: “I want my way and I didn’t get my way!” When we get angry we’re not in submission to the sovereignty of God, who is in charge of all the frustrating and trying circumstances that come into our lives. In marriage, partners use anger to try to intimidate and control their mates. But it always creates distance in relationships and it is always destructive!
After commanding (Eph. 4:31), “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [yelling] and slander be put away from you, along with all malice,” Paul adds (Eph. 4:32), “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” The antidote to bitterness and anger is forgiveness. Over the years, married couples will invariably wrong one other. If they do not deal with those wrongs God’s way, it slowly builds a dividing wall of resentment and bitterness.
Thus it’s important to keep short accounts with your mate. If you lost your temper and yelled at her, don’t say, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you, but your stubbornness makes me angry!” That is to blame her for your sin. Don’t even say, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you.” That may be true and she’s probably sorry, too. Saying that you feel sorry expresses how you feel, but it doesn’t accept responsibility for your sin. The proper way to deal with your sin is to say, “God has convicted me of my sinful anger and I’ve asked His forgiveness. I will try to work to overcome that sin. I’m asking you, ‘Will you forgive me?’” As Christians, we don’t have the option not to forgive someone who asks forgiveness (Matt. 6:14-15; 18:21-35). By saying, “I forgive you,” the relationship can be restored.
I emphasize, beginning on the thought level, because Jesus said that all immorality begins in the heart (Mark 7:21-23; Matt. 5:27-28). This means, guys, that if you’re secretly lusting after women other than your wife or you’re looking at pornography, you’re sabotaging your marriage. You’re on the slippery slope that leads to physical immorality. And, more seriously, Jesus said that if you don’t take radical measures to cut mental lust out of your life (pluck out your eye, cut off your hand), you’re headed for hell (Matt. 5:29-30)! I wouldn’t have put it so strongly, but Jesus did!
Although Christian scholars differ, my understanding (of Matt. 5:31-32; 19:3-9) is that God permits divorce in cases of physical sexual immorality outside of marriage (not in cases of mental adultery, as some counselors assert). But, God’s best is always forgiveness and restoration of the marriage. In the Old Testament, God often accuses His people Israel of spiritual adultery against Him. But over and over He offers forgiveness if they will repent and return to Him. Only after repeated adulteries does He finally divorce them (Jer. 3:6-10). Since the aim of marriage is to glorify God, I believe that forgiveness and restoration of the marriage brings more glory to God than ending the marriage. It’s never easy and it takes time, but it is God’s best.
I have seen Christian homes torn apart by alcohol and drug abuse. Many argue that alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases. That is partly, but not totally, correct. Both forms of abuse are sins, but they also have a physiological aspect. Once a person is addicted to a substance, his body craves it and he often will lie, steal, or worse to get that substance. To deny that alcohol and drug abuse are sins is wrong, because it absolves the person of responsibility for his actions. But no one ever became addicted to alcohol or drugs without choosing to take the first drink or first hit of a drug. The Bible condemns drunkenness as a sinful deed of the flesh (Gal. 5:21). Acknowledging it to be sin is the first step to deliverance from it, since God is in the business of giving His people victory over sin.
Although the Bible allows drinking alcoholic beverages in moderation, it can be dangerous. If you turn to alcohol to relieve stress or escape from your problems, you’re sinning, because you’re not trusting the Lord for these things. Turning to alcohol or drugs is a sin that will damage your marriage.
Selfishness takes many forms. As I said, selfishness is the root cause of anger. A selfish husband insists that he is right and he won’t listen to or yield to any other views. He does not think about his wife’s needs or how she may feel, but only thinks about his needs and how he feels. He will buy whatever he wants for himself, but deny his wife the same privilege. He will spend time with his friends when he feels like it, but not let his wife spend time with her friends, because he wants her to be available to meet his needs. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (Life in the Spirit, in Marriage, Home & Work [Baker], p. 211) states,
The real cause of failure, ultimately, in marriage is always self, and the various manifestations of self. Of course that is the cause of trouble everywhere and in every realm. Self and selfishness are the greatest disrupting forces in the world.
Jesus said that to follow Him we must deny self and put it to death on a daily basis (Luke 9:23): “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” The second greatest commandment (Matt. 22:39) is that I love my neighbor as much as I do in fact love myself. My wife is my closest “neighbor.” To love her requires killing my selfishness every day.
Many Christian couples are vying for dominance and power in their marriage. It often comes through in the way they exchange barbed comments or use humor to try to put one another down. If you were to confront them, they’d protest, “We’re just joking!” But competition, whether in marriage or in the church, goes against the truth that we are members of one another and our aim should be to build up one another (Eph. 5:28-30). If your arm is competing against the rest of your body, you’ve got a big problem. The members of your body should cooperate for their common good, not compete.
Before we got married, I told Marla that I did not want us to smash cake in each other’s faces at our wedding, because that shows disrespect and it would start us off competing against one another. In the early days of our marriage, if she was upset with me about something, I would remind her, “I’m on your side and I want what’s best for you. If I wronged you, I want to correct it. But we’re on the same team. We’ve got to work together.” In an argument or disagreement, your aim should not be to win, unless an important doctrinal or moral issue is at stake. Your aim should be to glorify the Lord by learning to cooperate as a couple.
I have read that disagreements over money are a major cause of divorce. Sometimes a freewheeling, impulsive spender will marry a cheapskate who won’t buy anything that isn’t on sale, in a thrift store, or absolutely necessary. As the famous understatement goes, “Houston, we’ve got a problem!” A couple like that will have to work overtime to live together in harmony. The starting place is to study what God’s Word says about financial stewardship. (Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a good starting point.)
This problem is made worse if couples are competing, not cooperating. They get into a spending war: “You bought yourself that new motorcycle that we couldn’t afford, so I’m going to Hawaii with my friends!” As the bills and the credit card interest skyrocket, tension in the marriage increases to the explosion level. You don’t need that tension! The solution is to manage your money according to the principles in God’s Word. Begin by working out a plan to get out of debt and then live within your means.
Paul says that if we’re wise, we’ll make the most of our time. But it’s easy to fall into the workaholic trap, where you neglect your family. Or, many families get overloaded with too many activities. Or a husband and wife are going in different directions and not spending enough time together.
A frequent marital pattern is that early in the marriage, the husband pours himself into his career, putting in the necessary hours to succeed. He rationalizes his long days or frequent business trips by saying, “If I don’t do this, I’ll get passed over for the promotion or even fired.” Meanwhile, the couple has several children, so the wife’s time is focused on rearing them. If she’s also working in an outside job, she hardly has any spare time. So the busy couple drifts apart in their relationship.
Meanwhile, the devil brings along an attractive, interesting young woman at work who, unlike the overwhelmed wife at home, gives the husband attention and affirmation. Or, if the wife is working, a man at work fills a need that her overworked husband no longer is meeting. He is kind, caring, and has time to listen to her. He seems so understanding. Whether with the husband or the wife, it’s a setup for marital unfaithfulness. At its root is mismanaging your time so that your marriage relationship takes a back seat to other things. A ninth danger is related to this:
Many couples enter marriage with unstated expectations. If a man’s expectation is that his wife stay home, keep house, and care for the children, but her expectation is to have a successful career, conflict is ahead! If a wife expects that her new husband will make a pile of money so that they can move up in the world and enjoy the good life, but his expectation is to live simply and give the rest to missions, a train wreck is in the making!
The solution is to talk about expectations and mutually to establish biblical goals for your marriage. Putting career success over marital success is a wrong goal. Living to impress others by getting a bigger and nicer house, newer and more expensive cars, or accumulating more stuff, is a wrong goal. Paul warns (1 Tim. 6:7-10):
For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
Rather than seeking after all the stuff that pagans seek, Jesus stated what our goal should be (Matt. 6:33): “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Every couple needs to talk about and work out what that looks like in terms of time management and financial management. It’s not a once for life discussion. Seeking first God’s kingdom and righteousness will look different at different phases of marriage. But that should be a couple’s overarching goal at every phase.
To be worldly is to adopt the world’s values, goals, and ways as opposed to the values, goals, and ways of God’s Word. Worldliness seeps into the cracks of your life when you’re not looking, so be on guard! The world says, “Marriage is to make you happy. If your marriage is not making you happy, you should divorce and go find someone else who will make you happy.” God says, “Your lifelong marriage is to bring Me glory by reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church.”
The world says, “The roles of men and women in marriage are up for grabs. It doesn’t matter who does what as long as you agree upon it.” The Bible says, “Husbands are to provide loving leadership; wives are to submit respectfully to their husbands.” The world says, “Stand up for your rights!” The Bible says, “Regard the other person’s needs and interests above your own” (Phil. 2:3-8). The world says, “Accumulating more stuff will make you happy!” Jesus said (Matt. 16:26), “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” Finally,
I often point out at weddings that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and the couple at both lower corners. As the couple both move closer to the Lord, they grow closer to one another. Or, if they go in the opposite direction, they grow more distant from one another. As each partner grows in the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), they will grow closer to one another, since all of those qualities have a relational dimension: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” On the other hand, the deeds of the flesh (Gal. 5:19-21), which include immorality, strife, jealousy, anger, and drunkenness, damage and destroy loving relationships. So guard your walk with the Lord! The antidote to all these dangers is found in God’s Word:
To refresh Paul’s commands (Eph. 5:15-17), “Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
To be careful how you walk, you must avoid the dangers that damage your marriage. Where do we find wisdom? Proverbs 2:6: “For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.” He has revealed His wisdom, knowledge, and understanding in His Word (Ps. 119). The will of the Lord is that you and your family please and glorify Him in all things (1 Cor. 10:31; Eph. 5:10). His will is that you grow to love Him more deeply as you get to know Him better through His Word (Matt. 22:37). His will is that you glorify Him by your holiness, beginning on the thought level (1 Pet. 1:15-16; Mark 7:7-23). His will is that you grow in love for others, even as He has loved you (Eph. 5:1-2; Phil. 1:9). His will is that you treat others even as you want them to treat you (Matt. 7:12). Your marriage and family are the proving ground for His will to be displayed.
Here’s a main action point: If you’re not spending consistent time in God’s Word, begin there. There are many online plans for reading through the Bible in a year. Or, read through the New Testament several times this year. As you read, ask God to reveal Himself to you and to help you apply the Word in your family.
A second action point: Sit down with your spouse and evaluate your marriage by these twelve dangers. Hopefully, no one will score twelve out of twelve that need attention! Pick the one or two that need the most help and begin there. Then move on to the next most needy. Keep in mind that the main goal of marriage is not your happiness, but rather God’s glory.
In the preface to his book, When Sinners Say, “I Do” ([Shepherd Press], p. 16), Dave Harvey cites the Puritan pastor, Thomas Watson: “Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet.” Harvey applies this to marriage (italics his): “When sin becomes bitter, marriage becomes sweet.” He then points out how the gospel is central for a sweet marriage. If you’ve not come to the cross as a sinner and by faith received new life in Christ and His righteousness, that’s your main need! The Christian life begins and continues with repentance from sin. When you trust in Christ as Savior and Lord, He gives you the Holy Spirit to produce His fruit in you. He enables you to avoid the world’s dangers and apply God’s wisdom to your marriage, to His glory!
Copyright, Steven J. Cole, 2018, All Rights Reserved.
Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation